Mum, watching Notting Hill: "Julia Roberts has such a lovely smile"
Me: "You could say it's a Mona Lisa Smile"
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
Passing that could not have been pleasant
It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Whats blue and not heavy?
Not corny enough? This is a barrage.
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
Why can your nose not be 12 inches?
Cause then it would be a foot
What’s green and not very heavy?
Do not use “Beefstew” as your computer password
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
I'm quite glad I'm not an egg
I do tend to crack myself up
Not sure if my girlfriend knows any geography ...
A family is flying to Japan on vacation. The son ask "dad, are we there yet" the dad replies "not yet son"
A few hours later the plane lands in japan. The dad looks at his son and says "okinawa here"
Why is Trump not allowed in the White House anymore?
not everyone can appreciate its simplicity
Let's not talk about operation barbarossa. That topic is very offensive
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
Not actually a fake text convo
You might not think engineers are brave...
But it took balls of steel to make the first bearings.
Did you know they’re not making yardsticks any longer?
Fortunately, they’re not making them any shorter either.
Why is dark written with a K not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Need a pun and I’m not good at them
I’m making some art about a band with three spray bottles as the singers, what are some band names? It would be cool if it was a pun about sprays or a parody of an existing band, thanks
Did you know that the people of Dubai do not like The Flinstones...
But the people of Abu Dhabi Do!
Going out on a limb here hoping this is not a repost
And that’s not the tip of the iceberg
I wood not want to spend it
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap
I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.
That's just not a good day
Not everyone is able to fly...
Not one of my illegitimate kids sent me a birthday card....
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
"I’ve managed not to move for an entire week"
"What do you want, atrophy?"
Got me for a second not gonna lie
Why does Lord Voldemort have Twitter, but not Facebook?
He only has followers, not friends.
Did you hear they are not making yard sticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
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