Not My Kid Puns

so he tried joining the Board of Education.

"To get to the other sliiide."

That’s a waff-empty.

"Because she's only three." I answered.

You might say he's eggnostic.

...that only happens once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately he blew it.

Mom: She has a brittle bone disease. Shes 6 but has already broken four arms.
Me: Four arms? You should have started out with the fact that she has four arms, who cares about the brittle bone thing.
She called me a jackass and left. I was the only one laughing.
Worth it.

"I thought about going into broadcasting, but I couldn't throw the women very far..."

I didn't hear a single Peep.

For a-parent reasons.

I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.

Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)

"But he didn't listen!"

She got custardy..

Bastards.

Yolk’s on them, I crack myself up!

Baking soda.

Edit: Thanks reddit (just my second post). Kids are a tough crowd, so I'm not used to this kind of response to a joke. I tip my chef's hat and raise a glass (of baking soda) to you all.

I won't be dressing up as Albert Einstein anymore.

The truth is, it's genetic. I actually come from a long line of dads spanning many generations.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Not exactly a one liner dad joke, but I believe this is part of our duty as fathers to intentionally mess with our kids. I tell my girls all the time that boy zebras are black with white stripes, and that girl zebras are white with black stripes (or vice versa you decide but stay consistent). The look of their face trying to think it through when a zebra is on TV after asking if it's a male/female is priceless and you all should give it a go and share the outcome! Dad-on my fellow pranksters.

I'll probably just buy them one from the store

Me? I have no rugrats.

Its getting harder to illicit anything more than a single syllable grunt from the kids with dad jokes (14 and 12 yr olds)... but i got a good long laugh from my son today with one i thought up on the spot. so win for me

My wife was folding laundry, and she complained that she had odd socks showing up.. I said: "that's not very PC dear, they're not Odd Socks they're just Non Binary".

:-)

And Apples don’t grow on trees.

Don’t want them to dye inside!

Bear with me, it's a little story. So, I'm getting ready to take her to school this morning and I was about to hop in the shower when I felt the call of nature, didn't have enough time to poo and get to school on time so I say, "I'm just going to get dressed and I'm not going to shower" she asks me why and I said, "I have to poop and it's a whole process." She immediately replies... "A process of elimination". I start cackling immediately. I'm laughing and, as kids like to do, she keeps saying it thinking she's cool. I can't stop laughing but as she's repeating it, I wonder if she knows. So I ask her, do you know why that's funny? She says no, and my wife and I start cackling even more and I explain through the tears that pooping can be called elimination.

I'm sure it's not a new thing but it's new to us and we are going to have a new phrase for doing a deuce!

I guess I'm just not that invested

Their commitment to recycling is uncanny.

They've all groan.

Because they have anty-bodies. Not mine but it’s my favorite and wanted to share. No matter how many times I say it to my kids they act like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it.

My Kids friends came over… I tried to be “funny”…. So I walked in and said “it smells like up dog in here”. My child’s friend said “ what is up dog?” I said “nothing what’s up with you?”
They all looked at me with sincere confusion not knowing that we used to all walk around in the 90s saying “what’s up dog!?”. After awkward silence, And holding my breath hoping they’d get it, I walked out knowing that I was finally old and it belong here

Feces would be a terrible present.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

We are leaving our hotel this morning, I made an inappropriate comment in the elevator. Told my kids that it was wrong on so many levels. They groaned. I read this joke on here a LOONG time ago and could not wait until I had the opportunity to use it myself!! Thanks for the ammunition dads (and other users of dad jokes) of reddit!!!

We're at the leopard enclosure at the zoo. A random child runs up and yells to his parents, "I've spotted him!!" I laughed so hard!!!! Unintentional puns are the best!!!!!

My wife (38F) caught the dreaded virus, so it fell to me (39M) to take all the kids to get tested.

I gave them a 10 minute warning while I got my wife a coffee. After 10 minutes (okay it was probably at least 15), I called out to the kids "if you haven't already, can you please grab your shoes and get ready to head to the car..."

I grabbed my own shoes, finished my own coffee, took it to the kitchen, and as I washed it called out "is anyone not ready yet?"

(no response)

(louder) "Okay, how about this then - who IS ready?"

my eldest son (13M): "um, no one's ready"

#"what!? I gave you all at least 20 minutes!! What is happening!?"

my eldest son: "Well, I'm David, he's John, she's Chloe"

...

and I don't know if I've been so proud to be a dad before

… I was working with this guy who kept ignoring me every time I said hi to him. Finally one day I asked him “what’s up?” He said essentially that I don’t like you very much. My response was “Well, do you have kids, if not, you should because that has been made very a-parent; yet I don’t know why. “

At first a look of anger😠

Then confusion🤔

Then a laugh😅

We are ok now. 👍

We're walking down the sidewalk and pass a gardner with a Stihl brand weed wacker laid down next to him.

My uncle accidentally trips over the weed wacker.

Uncle: Oh, I'm sorry. But it looks like it ...Stihl works!

So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. We’re talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc. Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said “look at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is!” Without missing a beat I said, “Welcome, to Giraffic Park!” And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.

Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.

1. At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).

2. At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".

3. My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"

4. We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".

5. Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".

6. The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".

These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!

Works best out loud..

"You know how at most schools student who reach certain GPA's are awarded either Magna cum Laude or Summa Cum Laude or something along those lines? What do the students who get 2.0's get?

Thank the Laude!"

Not sure if someone has come up with before, but it just occurred to me, and I told my kids. They eye rolled me, which is dad joke stamp of approval

...for a-parent reasons.

'The kids are taking it pretty hard.'

The kids are taking pretty hard.