Not cool Dad...not cool

So my dad's telling my relatives the story of how my mom was in labor for 12 hours so they named me 'Laura' which if you say it in Vietnamese accent it's 'Lau-ra' which means "Long time to come out"...

IMAGINE FINDING OUT AFTER 21 YEARS YOUR NAME IS A FUCKING PUN ..

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stneutron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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He's not cool
๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Trtlman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Not cool, AC guy
๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/updogg18
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Just donโ€™t roofie โ€˜em. Not cool, man.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Azuridus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Seat warmers are not cool
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tehmayormccheese
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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"I say ole bean, java pen?" "Why yes, I do what Sumatra with yours? "Cool beans mines not too perky."
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MilPens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Not wearing a coat is really the cool thing to do.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iLawless-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Fevers are not cool
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VRMac
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
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That's not cool!

So my mom ended up getting some ranch on her after eating her salad and she exclaimed "I got ranch on me that's not cool!" so i replied "What are you talking about it just came out of the fridge"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/baerorjenkins
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2016
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My dad is not cool

My dad walks in while I'm watching tv and starts wiggling his bum and says 'what am I doing?'. I look at him in confused silence. Then he says 'I'm going to twerk'. facepalm

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jibbletslap
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2014
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What did cold say to hot?

Not cool, man.

*My six year old told me she made this up. Not sure whether to believe her or not.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rethinkthegrid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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My fridge stopped working...

Its not cool.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ClingyToaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like Iโ€™m dadding well:

Son: โ€œI hate crumbs.โ€

Me: โ€œThatโ€™s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.โ€

Son: โ€œWell I donโ€™t want to eat them.โ€

Me: โ€œAnd they donโ€™t want to eat you.โ€

Son: โ€œCrumbs canโ€™t eat anything, Dad. They donโ€™t have a mouth and they canโ€™t swallow things inside them.โ€

Me: โ€œWhat if thereโ€™s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and itโ€™s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? Iโ€™d say it just got eaten.โ€

Son: โ€œAnd Iโ€™d say youโ€™re ducking weird.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My 8yr old nephew got his first "grownup" email address....

My sister wanted to make sure he is checking his emails and being responsible....so I send him daily jokes. Not sure if this link works, but if this cool kiddo burrito finds this someday...your emails back are the highlight of my days. http://imgur.com/a/llxi1lO

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tinyfistofjustice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Out air conditioning just went out, it's 81ยฐF in the house. My dog is looking at me like...

"This is not cool..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RonPossible
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I have mixed feelings about graphs.

The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. Thatโ€™s where I draw the line.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrumSpace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tali3sin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Someone broke the thermostat

Not cool, its got me heated!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Erikg1116
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 89
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Patyboomba
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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I saw that Lady Gaga was about to faint and rushed to her help.

She said, "I need a strong cool breeze on my face."

I said, "I'm sorry but I can't help you. I'm just not a big fan."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thkoog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.

Definitely not cool

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrMasterBlaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I told me wife I have hip problems

She says, "Why cause you're not cool enough?"

I died

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/funkhammer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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My wife keeps turning off the air conditioning

Not cool

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Frosty_Dave
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
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If you don't like cool whip.

You're not cool whip me!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Wobslobs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Inappropriate, but hilarious joke from my son.

We're watching A Quiet Place, and the son falls into the silo filled with corn and starts sinking.

My 8yo cracks a joke: "Aw, now he's going to die of corncer".

I struggled to hold back my laughter before telling him it's not cool to joke about cancer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HeartsPlayer721
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Actual Dad Joke - my pilot dad's favorite

My dad was a fighter pilot in WWII. He always claimed that most folks have no idea what the real purpose of a propeller is. They're thrown off by the name. The purpose is not really for propulsion. It's to keep the pilot cool. He claimed that he could prove it.

"Just turn it off and watch the pilot start to sweat."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tallpapab
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
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I hate when my refrigerator breaks.

Itโ€™s not cool.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rhymeswithbacons
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I just got dadjoked by my professor

We were talking about Amazon and Google, and how they don't just "have computers" and I mentioned that "I always thought datacenters looked cool"

He said, "Well yes. They have air conditioners. Without air conditioners, data centers are not very cool"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kn33
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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I won't stop you from stealing my old refrigerator

It's just not very cool.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Joe_ValJoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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[REQUEST] Username Puns?

So I want to change my Xbox username, but since it costs money, I want to get it right (not that I'm broke, but I think that it's stupid that it charges you). My name is Clayton, so I think a Clayton-Related pun for the username would be cool.

Examples: ClaytonicBond, ClaytonianRhapsody, etc.

However, other creative usernames are also appreciated.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ProbablySpiderman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

๐Ÿ‘︎ 458
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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What do you call a lame boat?

Not a cool vessel.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/richrawl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iโ€™m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donโ€™t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, itโ€™s been around the birthday block a few times, but thereโ€™s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youโ€™re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youโ€™re thinking, โ€œI bet this is a junkerโ€, but youโ€™d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iโ€™ve ever had my hands on.

Whatโ€™s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itโ€™s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itโ€™s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iโ€™ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itโ€™s whatโ€™s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donโ€™t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnโ€™t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iโ€™ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youโ€™re traveling with another couple, Iโ€™m sure theyโ€™ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnโ€™t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DjBWren
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?

Itโ€™s not cool until he arrives

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hutimuti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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My Dad *finally* Dad Joked me! I'm so happy.

My Dad has always been a bit cool (plays in bands, hangs around with much younger guys etc) but at the weekend, on his 67th birthday, he FINALLY Dad joked me.

We were talking about the local rugby team and I said "They're playing a French team. I think it's Toulouse?"

He said "That's not very positive is it? Playing to lose."

"No wait," I said, checking the website, "They're playing Toulon!"

"Ohh, well in that case, it won't be a short game...."

I finally feel like a proper daughter.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poodleflange
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โ€œDo you want a liftโ€. โ€œNo thanksโ€, they replied, โ€œWeโ€™re Walkersโ€.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โ€œthatโ€™s maderia cakeโ€.


Bought some cream, it said โ€œstore in a cool placeโ€. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says โ€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ€. The doctor says โ€œIโ€™m afraid you are a trifle deafโ€.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisiteโ€ฆ โ€“what a pity it isnโ€™t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโ€™s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโ€™s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโ€™s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโ€™s death? BEN and JERRY.


Donโ€™t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโ€™t be able to budge.


You know youโ€™re a mom ifโ€ฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โ€œOLE!โ€


FORGET LOVEโ€ฆ Iโ€™

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Bacon Puns

Why didnโ€™t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? ย Kermit the Frogโ€™s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? ย Kevin Bacon


If you canโ€™t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youโ€™re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpโ€™s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesnโ€™t whisper โ€œHere comes the Baconatorโ€ before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


Iโ€™ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatโ€™s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we donโ€™t build a wall on our northern border, theyโ€™ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverโ€ฆbecause Iโ€™m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youโ€™re getting extr

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No air conditioning?

That's not cool.

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