No.5 Puns

It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.

Because they’re living

They seem to be at odds with each other.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.

You'd think he would figure it out since we look nothing alike. He probably won't make it to his 18th birthday, so we try to make his life as happy and fulfilling as we can. Although sometimes I think we may spoil him and give him a few too many treats. I've tried telling him before, but I don't think he understands. He just gives me this weird look and wags his tail.

My cousin promised his mom (my aunt) Chanel No. 5 for her birthday. My dad said "Why bother? Next year they'll already have Chanel No. 6!"

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

these are all real. Some are made by me, some are not (ones with an "*" are mine.).

/r/NoPuns is a sub where posting puns will get you a ban.
/r/NoNoPuns is a sub for people banned from /r/NoPuns.
/r/NoNoNoPuns is a sub for people who weren't. *
/r/NoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where puns are mandatory.
/r/NoNoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where requiring puns is banned. *

A good pun is like a good cake: it has many layers. Subreddits are the same.

Some of his puns get so bad, he keeps a piece of paper in his wallet that says "puns" on it. When someone says his puns are terrible, he takes it out and rips it in half saying "no, THESE puns are tear-able."

He will make a great dad.

Jenna Bush Hager interviews her dad (Bush 43) for an NBC special on the opening of his art exhibition at the Bush Presidential Library. About a minute in, he slips in a pretty good dad joke:

Jenna: Do these people know that you are painting them?

Bush: Sort of. There's no telling how these people are going to react. I think I told Tony [Blair] I was painting him and he sort of brushed it off.

Jenna: No 'art pun' intended.

Bush: That was definitely an art pun.

http://www.today.com/video/today/54864022#54864022

Edit: Grammar.

No shit Sherlock?

I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I said, "No, it's pretty light. "

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

• thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"

"Very SHADY things."

It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

I have no egrets.

I no longer have a porpoise in life.

He turns to his crewmate and says: "Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies: "In space no one can, here use cream."

Walks.

For those who didn't get it , it's okay , there's no pressure at all !

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

“Because she has no taste.”

He pasta away

We cannoli do so much to help

His legacy will become a pizza history

Here today, gone tomato

Sending olive our prayers to the family

His wife, cheese still not over it

No more penne tration for her

Makes you an eighth theist.

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

No one does, they are Mr. Es.

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

I have no idea how much she charges him.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

No change is expected

Wife: Where?

Me: No, the regular kind.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

I keep telling them, "No it doesn't!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

He said, "No the steaks are too high."

Oh no, my (P + L)(A + N) has been FOILed!

I told him, “No it doesn’t!”

There's no whey in hell.

Too many pressing issues and no way to de crease the number of suits against us.

Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.

I had no words to describe how angry I was

No, he covered his tracks.

(Thought of this this morning go easy on me!)

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

No, it’s pretty light...