No. 1 Puns

Me: "Wtf dude toucans are endangered!"

It was worth a shot.

They owned the Finnish line.

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

It was a Shih Tzu

He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"

That’s a lot.

Man 1: "I'm sorry I took you for Grant, Ed."

The first order of business is asking everyone to ease off the "I was going to tell a ____ joke, but..." format for a while. Too many are reporting those as reposts. I like them, but there is the "comedic rule of 3," so maybe we can lay off telling them for a while. That goes for various permutations of this setup as well. So let's try not to wear others' punderwear.

Next, we have an issue with too many reporting things that are not in violation of either our rules or site-wide rules, and falsely accusing power users and karma-getters of being spambots. Our overall policy is not to remove high-karma posts unless they are actual commercial spam or are told at the expense of marginalized groups (per Reddit's sitewide rule #1). Please do not use the Report button as a "super downvote."

Then, there probably needs to be a reminder to try avoiding the "one-joke" style of puns. I like them, but Reddit doesn't like them (sitewide rule #1) and they are outside our rules too (rule #7). I wish we could host those here as I find them funny, and I don't appreciate folks who are overly thin-skinned. The Reddit admins seem to have a zero-tolerance stance against such jokes/puns, even if there are no hateful motives underneath.

And of course, I want to remind the users here that they are just awesome! Without you, this sub would not be what it is.

If others want to make puns about this below, feel free! And as always, have fun!

No. 1

No. 2

1. If you're out in the desert on a horse with no name, you probably have the time to come up with a name for it.

2. Maybe it's the rider who has no name (and a poor sense of where to locate a subordinate clause): "I, with no name, have been through the desert on a horse."

3. Or maybe it was the desert that had no name?

4. What if "No-Name" was some friend who was riding with him?

5. It's also possible that what he means is that maybe the horse has a name (say, Charley the Horse) but that the horse isn't FAMOUS. He's just ol' Charley the horse, not Secretariat or Trigger or one of those A-list horses with a NAME. This possibility is the saddest, though. Imagine you're the horse, out there in the frickin' DESERT, and some schmoe is making you carry his ass around--and not even for any good reason, right, he's not actually going anywhere, he's totally just taking advantage of your good nature--and all he can do is go on and on about what a nobody of a horse you are.

6. Even if his name really was Charley, if that were to happen now, everyone on the Internet would start calling that poor horse "Horsey McHorseface."

Doc 1: Hey, do you want some help with that?

Doc 2: No thanks, I got it

Doc 1: Suture self

I checked my watch and said nothing.

"Well? Have you made your choice?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's only 1 O'Clock."

She replied, "No, I woke up at 11:00, 1:00 and 3:00."

I responded, "Those are odd hours to be waking up at night."

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

But most just have 4.

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

Guy 2: “No way!” Guy 1: “Yahweh!”

...w/ no legs? Ground beef....w/ 1 leg? Stake....w/ 2 legs? Lean beef....w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip....w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy....w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes....w/ 5 legs? Chernobull....w/ no hind legs? An udder drag....w/ a twitch? B... read more

No, there was no +1 on the airline reservation as far as I could tell.

I have this idea for a porn film.

It starts with a sexy woman in sexy clothing opening the door for a repairman.

"I'm here to fix your fountain," he says, and turns to go the fountain and begin the repairs.

"Oh, that's not the one that isn't working, I need you to fix the one out back," she says in a sultry voice.

So she leads him through the house and out the back door to the busted fountain. He fixes it quickly and says "It only needed some adjustments, ma'am. That'll just be a minimum service charge, $75.00."

She says "You know, there's something else I need adjusting," and starts to unzip his pants. He pushes her hand away, zips back up and says "Look lady, no disrespect, but I have four more jobs to get done before lunch, so how about you hand me a check, I hand you a receipt and we hopefully never see each other again."

I call it Broke Back Fountain, Part 1.

I heard two good ones the other day.

Q: What smells like poop and rings like a bell?

A: Dunnng

Q: Have you heard of the new Scandavian religious rock band?

A: No? Well, I heard they're Bjorn Again Christians.

The first be says, "How's it going?"

The 2nd be responds, "Terrible, I've been flying all over and I can find any flowers with nectar, no pollen, nothing!"

Bee #1 says, "Look here, there's a bar mitzvah about 4 blocks over. They have flowers everywhere."

Bee #2 says, "Thanks, I'll check it out!"

Later that afternoon they meet again...

Bee #2, "Man, that was awesome! It was just like you said! Thanks a bunch!"

Bee #1, "No problem! But what's that on your head?"

Bee #2, "It's a yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."

Makes you an eighth theist.

Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard

#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”

#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”

The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”

At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”

At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.

After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.

The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”

“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.

Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”

“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.

“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”

The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”

A man walks into a bar.

He asks from the bartender. ”Wow! Are those two Hitler and Stalin?,and points at a table in the corner.

The bartender says ”Yes they are”.

So the man walks to them and asks ”What’re you guys talking about?”.

Stalin says ”Oh we’re planning WW3”.

Hitler says ”I’m going to murder 1 million jews and a biker”.

The man says ”A biker?”.

Hitler answers ”See? No one cares about jews”.

Kid 1 asks: "Do you know how to make this more bouncy?"

Kid 2: "No, how?"

Kid 1: "You add spring water!"

Just passed a random bit of agricultural land in the suburbs. A few cows were there and my wife, surprised to see them innocently asked how they got there. A truck she asked. GAME ON…

You’re kidding right, I asked??? C’mon…. Mooo ving van.

Pause for effect and then “Udderly true”. At this point she now catches the udderly part and repeats it. She laughs and I continue….

Gonna milk this for all it’s worth…

No Bull.

Old jokes but repurposed 1,2,3,4. Happy day all!!!

Atom 1: Oh, no! I dropped an electron!

Atom 2: Wait, are you sure??

Atom 1: I'm positive!