My roof caved in on me... and I no longer feel safe.

I think I have truss issues

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hotsprings1234
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Dress code
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hwhouston517
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Why did Bruce Lee feel so alone when no one was around?

Because he was Lone Lee

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Monkey_the_dragon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I feel like I have no control over my body

[deleted]

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceasedโ€™s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heโ€™s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says โ€œI donโ€™t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.โ€ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, โ€œwhatever this costs Iโ€™m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iโ€™m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?โ€ To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says โ€œthereโ€™s no charge.โ€ Shocked she replies โ€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.โ€ โ€œHonestly maโ€™amโ€, the mortician says, โ€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PaladinDanza
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Melinda was completely shook by her divorce. She had to see a therapist

She said to her therapist: "I feel like I am trapped in a room with no windows and gates"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Esmeralda_i
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".

"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.

"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife

The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Musicferret
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old

I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".

I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dermerger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Found on r/jokes
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FarPrince
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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I'm 28 and engaged but no kids yet. I feel the dad within me.

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 359
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tmbridge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Found this gem on r/me_irl
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Papa_Guacamole69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government

After all, theyโ€™re still stuck in the last decade

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Delliott90
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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My daughter just hit me with this over dinner.

We're sitting around having dinner, and my wife isn't feeling great about the cooking. My daughter (6) starts critiquing the sauce, talking about what she doesn't like. I told her that sometime you have to read the room and see whether people want their cooking criticized.

She looks at me and says "Dad, you can't read a room if there are no letters in it" and starts giggling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MatMonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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The doctor thinks I have erectile dysfunction.

I told him I have no hard feelings.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him

Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tfreeokc97oklahoman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโ€™re

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmaff90
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I rolled my first joint last night.

Today I have an ankle the size of a football.

>!Mind you, thanks to this really good weed I am feeling no pain at all.!<

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gil-Gandel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.

I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid. I called the front desk and they told me they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed that such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mementh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because theyโ€™ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his โ€œpromposalโ€ special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that sheโ€™s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, heโ€™s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesnโ€™t return his feelings? What if she thinks heโ€™s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and heโ€™s even more anxious. Itโ€™s dark, itโ€™s loud, itโ€™s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks itโ€™s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying sheโ€™s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if sheโ€™d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like heโ€™s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesnโ€™t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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This bald guy walked in to my work the other day JUST to say this:

Him: Is there any tattooists in town? Me: Fairly sure there is one guy about 10 minutes out...? Him: Oh good! 'Cause I want him to tattoo a rabbit on the top of my head. Me: ..Why...? Him: 'Cause then someone might mistake it for a hare!

He giggled his way out

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dendens
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2014
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Don't worry, I'm fine after the sex operation

No hard feelings.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/within_kamath23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/capitolpuns
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.

My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, itโ€™s Wreck It Ralph.

Sheโ€™s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 65
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JacKlompus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Who's the Babe? imgur.com/MYY2T8c
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pkacgu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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A bakerโ€™s son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.

The father asked him if he was feeling sad.

The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.

The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.

He asked him ok but why did you need them?

The boy looked confused.

Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.

No but why the fuck did you knead them?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/distantcurtis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My wife said DO NOT tell this joke to anyone else

Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he's feeling constipated. Watson replies, "Yeah, no shit Sherlock!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshWithaQ
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
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What a birch imgur.com/CLMwol9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/duddee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege โ€” well, it's my privilege โ€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/see2keroppi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Jokeโ€™s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since itโ€™s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didnโ€™t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldnโ€™t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapistโ€™s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that heโ€™s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/murlockerLOL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Wife: Let's go antiquing,

I feel Victorian.

Husband: No let's not, I feel baroque.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/14to0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Trees aren't stationary...

I was hiking in Olympic NP last year and we took a break. Soaking in the scenery and she was feeling philosophical; she said that 'it must be lonely to be a tree, you just stay in one place forever'. I let that hang in the air for a bit then replied, 'No, eventually you would leave'. She nearly choked on her water.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wolverine_wannabe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.

I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.

So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!

I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"

"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"

I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.

But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....

Life is fun

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ashhtreeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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I have a friend who likes to make his own custom custards....

And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.

I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.

"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"

I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.

"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Undope
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 ย  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2ย ย  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3ย ย  - Half the people you know are below average.

4ย ย  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 ย  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7ย ย  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 ย  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 ย  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ksbalaji
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We have a new design! What do you guys think about it?

Hey, since we (the new mods) joined the sub 1,5 months ago we've made some changes, mostly with the rules and some backend stuff. Now I also updated the icon (slightly) and the banner (on redesign and mobile), too.

What do you guys think about it?

Do you like it? ( Yes/No ). What could be improved about it?

Also, are you happy with how we're moderating the subreddit? Are we too strict with the rules or toulouse too loose? Do the rules even make sense?

We want to improve this subreddit and we need your feedback for that, so feel free to speak your mind!

You can either simply leave a comment down here in the thread or send us a message.

Looking forward to your feedback and have a nice day! :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yayoletsgo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wife: Looks like you're having an headache.

Me: No, feels ok.

Wife: Are you sure?

Me: No, I'm Mike.

Wife: Yaaa I think you ARE having a headache.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flyontheroof
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Number Party

There was a party in which all prime numbers were invited. But no.2 was feeling weird in that party because all the other numbers except him were quite odd.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/guccicop1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I invented a new word today

Plagiarism.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dansguns
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 74
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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