No Doctors Puns

So, she gets a divorce.

The nurse says: AMAZING! how did you know that would work!?

The head doctor says: “It’s simple really… Time heals all wounds.”

But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.

...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.

only when she wants to say something.

"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."

It works with both patients and patience

I think they just get a kick out of it.

"Five penises!!" he said "How do your trousers fit"

"Like a glove" I said

He was just a little cock-eyed

Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!

Because they’re all vets

Patients

I replied, "No, I don't see witch doctors. I see regular ones."

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: "You had twins, a girl and a boy. They're both fine. And your brother named them for you."

Woman: "Oh my, not my brother! No! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Woman: "Oh, wow! That's a really pretty name. What about the boy?"

Doctor: deep sigh "Denephew.“

She replied, "Which doctor?"

I said, "No, no. Just the regular one."

He then asked the doctor if he passed. Doctor said no, but you will in a few days...

Patient: Oh dear that sounds serious!

Doctor: Oh no don't worry it's nothing to lose sleep over!

Doctor to my son: your heart is making sounds, "bu bump bu bump"...

3 year old son proceeds to dance.

Doctor: oh no, we need you to stay still for this.

Me: Can you blame him when you drop a sick beat like that?

So my dad's telling my relatives the story of how my mom was in labor for 12 hours so they named me 'Laura' which if you say it in Vietnamese accent it's 'Lau-ra' which means "Long time to come out"...

IMAGINE FINDING OUT AFTER 21 YEARS YOUR NAME IS A FUCKING PUN ..

Puns for Educated Minds ...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

The doctor??

No, the ultrasound guy

"I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment" "Which doctor?" "Oh no, just a regular doctor, thanks."

"My pregnant wife is having contractions!" he yells.

"Is this her first baby?" asks the doctor.

"No, you idiot, it's her husband!"

Well, the doctor told me "Siamese" is no longer appropriate, so I updated my vocabulary accordingly.

“Doctore, all five of my bambinos! They have the no ambition! They all want to be valets when they grows up, jus’ like their lazy father! Can you do anything?”

“I’m afraid it is hopeless, Senora Abatangelo. It is the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.”

I asked her where she was headed and she said, "The doctor's office."

"Which doctor?"

I wish she would have said, "No, just a regular one."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

...it’s become real handy

Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy.

#1

Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic?

Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic...and first time in gastro.

Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice?

Anest.: LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet.

#2

Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you.

Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside...[getting groggy]...after you see me on the inside...

Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one....

"I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind."

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma called the doctor, and the doctor said: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma called the doctor, and the doctor said: "Ma'am, I am a mandatory reporter..."

I really don’t know where to post this, it’s kind of a dad joke, I suppose, but it’s a story I that had just come to mind.

I was in a head-on collision several years ago and suffered a broken left tibia, which had to be pinned. I had been visiting the doctor, a week or so after surgery, so they could get a look at everything. I was in a wheelchair in the lobby where there were several elderly patients from a local assisted living facility. I was wearing one sneaker and one bedroom shoe, because my left foot was swollen still.

An older gentleman in a wheelchair, wearing a hospital gown, asked me: “Son, did you lose a shoe?”

I said, “No, Sir. I found one!”

He had a good laugh and patted me on my good leg as they wheeled him out to the facility’s van.

It made me feel really good to see him laugh like that at my goofy little joke.

he would have died as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amazed by how the doctor showed up exactly when he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

Doctor: I see

Patient: Well no need to rub it in.

A girl takes her fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat."

"Okay," says the vet. "I will look at him."

She picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. She then looks at the girl and says,

"I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your fat cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

First thing, she asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Justine: No, no, no, not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Justine: Ohh, that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?

Doctor: [sighs deeply] Denephew.

I replied back, "No, I want a regular doctor thank you."