I never understand why manslaughter is illegal,

A man can laugh anytime he wants to

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itzkunnal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2022
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I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.. /r/3amjokes/comments/yayt…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c4ttskillzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2022
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I'll never understand anyone who puts money in a no interest checking account

It makes no cents

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2022
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Patient: "People never understand what I'm saying! It drives me crazy!"

Therapist: "What do you mean?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
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Kleptomaniacs never understand jokes.

They always take things, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Why do you never understand volunteers?

Because they don’t make cents.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pomonica
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Wile E. Coyote never immediately fell off the cliff because he didn’t understand the gravity of his situation.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMyFaultImMoody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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People make such a big deal about vegans, which I don’t understand because I’ve never had beef with one.
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/priv_rex
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/newbieatthegym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I don't understand how people have sex in cars. I've never seen a car with enough room to do it comfortably.

Even doing it in a limo would be a stretch.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadCorey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is so much info about vampires kept secret?

Because it’s never seen the light of day

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cannotbefaded
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2023
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What's the point of being attracted to multiple genders anyway?

At the end of the day you're always gonna end up being bi yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenyX-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2023
🚨︎ report
I must sadly admit that I was addicted to the hokey pokey.

But luckily, I turned myself around

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrAmazing3001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Why is dark spelled with a "k"?

Because you can't c in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mohamad_AAA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
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Why was Santa disappointed in Rudolph's report card?

He went down in History.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2022
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PSA: If you or a loved one has been forced to wear glasses and a face mask at the same time

They may be entitled to condensation

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkcelt2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
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I never tell dad jokes

He never understands them

πŸ‘︎ 282
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryTownCouncil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2022
🚨︎ report
The first rule of the Passive-Aggressive Club is . . .

Well, never mind. You wouldn't understand it anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2022
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Jedi?

He struggles with Shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViolinDavis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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There are three kinds of mathematicians.

Those who can count and those who can't.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/59boomer59
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I was arguing with a flat-earther the other day, and he stormed off, saying how he’d show me the edge of the Earth.

I’m sure he’ll come around.

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TbhJustAnotherGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2022
🚨︎ report
"Hey son, did you hear that police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion?" Confused, he replied, "No?" I continued...

"I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence!"

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2022
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My grandfather would have celebrated his 91st birthday today.

If he wasn't so miserable...

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2022
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I am Anti-vax

I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.

You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.

It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Some top Tom Swifties
  • "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
  • "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
  • "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
  • "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
  • "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
  • "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
  • "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
  • "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
  • "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
  • "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
  • "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
  • "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
  • "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
  • "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
  • "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
  • "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
  • "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
  • "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
  • "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
  • "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
  • "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
  • "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
  • "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
  • "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
  • "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
  • "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
  • "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
  • "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
  • "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
  • "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
  • "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
  • "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
  • "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
  • "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
  • "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
  • "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
  • "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
  • "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
  • "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
  • "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
  • "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
  • "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
  • "I hate pale ale," sai
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
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a horse walks into a bar..

Bar tender says "wow, I never served a horse before. What can I getcha?" The horse, not able to understand or speak English, takes a crap on the floor and walks out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Tax-4370
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2022
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I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🀦

I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.

And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭

Edit: I understand certain things have heavy ends, which is why I initially believed it. And then never questioned it any further.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayKayne
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
🚨︎ report
There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
🚨︎ report
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. β€œPlease doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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No joke. Today was the first time my almost 2yo got her dad with a 'no, yes, oh!' Out of nowhere

I have never seen my husband so proud.

I think this is the only subreddit that understands πŸ˜…

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kowalski348
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet

I can never understand y.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I hate arguing with blind man

I can never understand their point of view

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery....

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand....I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 268
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
🚨︎ report
You guys make my day, every day

Sadly I never really got to know my dad past age 8. He died before I could really understand the art of the dadjoke. Reading a lot of these stories and jokes make me feel like this is how my dad would have been and it makes me giddy, almost to the point of tears some days! I can't help but smile every time I look at this subreddit!

So thanks y'all, and keep on keepin' on!

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtlasOffroader
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I don't tell dad jokes

He never understands them

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryTownCouncil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
I don't tell dad jokes

He never understands them.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryTownCouncil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't tell dad jokes

He never understands them.

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryTownCouncil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report

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