A man is walking down the street

when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir9199
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her breaststroke out, feeding her son on the bus."

She said, "It's a natural thing to do."

"Natural", I retorted. "She was giving him chips."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingogordy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:

"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."

I love it when these things occur in nature!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in

It’s natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dang it, Mt Rushmore was so beautiful before it was carved out...

Its natural beauty was honestly unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Who will be the next baseball player inducted into the Hall of Fame?

Naturally

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Field Dressing

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said β€œlooks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh πŸ˜†!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ty_diesel_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Naturally Smart

What do you call a naturally born smart person?

A gene-ious

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jslee_beats0608
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone offered me a nice cup of green tea

So naturally I said yes, matcha-bliged

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigolbrian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why would sultanas make good synchronised swimmers?

Because they naturally do things concurrantly.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do ghosts love to eat health food so much?

Because it's super natural

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinitywee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces...

Doctor said I was a natural born liter

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vintagepatriot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Under appreciated dad phases of the day:

Children spinning or running or circles or anything in that nature

Dad - Wow, you are making ME dizzy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/touchymacaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Request: Food Puns!

Hi Everyone!

So I have a request for you all. Some friends and I are starting a new Pathfinder Campaign. Specifically, Hell's Rebels. I noticed one point mentioned that mint is now outruled, as one of the more 'insane' laws being put into place. Naturally, I have designed my character entirely around that.

Thus, the Chef Pana Kouta is born. I hope to 'pepper' some puns throughout the campaign, and would love to have some help from you all!

To summarise Hell's Rebels: A city of freedom is put under martial law, and the party will become leaders of a rebellion to stop the tyranny as the new leader begins issuing more and more insane laws.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, β€œDo you have a name for the baby yet?”

My brother replies, β€œYeah. Liana Noelle.”

Everyone starts to β€œOoohhh” and β€œAhhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, β€œHow the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mzahit29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Watson and Holmes go out camping.

Holmes noticed that Watson was looking a bit sick for a few days.

"What's wrong, Watson?", he asked. "You seem a bit down."

"Nothing, Holmes. Just having some stomach problems." Watson said. "Constipation, you know. I've suffered for a while."

"Constipation? So you have trouble answering the, ahem, nature's call?" Holmes asked.

"No shit, Sherlock."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving my Toyota when I started noticing some symptoms

Naturally, I went to the doctor, and unfortunately I tested positive for Corolla Virus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawberrical
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.

So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Wind

Nature’s biggest fan

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thechiefheath
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
With all this corona stuff going on, My son just said he had a fever...

I naturally told him that the only cure is more cowbell.

(...I laughed. And he did not. Nor did the wife. Sleeping on the couch tonight! ... worth it!)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsmezz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before the presidents' faces were carved into it

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’ve never learned the history of Mount Rushmore before it was carved...

... it’s natural beauty was unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasticaFont
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are dads so good at telling jokes?

Because they are naturally groan.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach...

When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jahbanny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My lawer friend died yesterday...

He died of natural clauses.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crashtestdummy10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a job as a Park Ranger...

but I didn’t enjoy the nature of the work.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t a reed knife be too sharp?

Because that’s not natural

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdangwangpang
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Dad joke planted as a seed, which took 17 years to flower.

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snippersmith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Another joke my dad came up with.

The way poop is called "nature's call", what do you call a fart?

Nature's missed call.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife saw it coming. The cashier did not.

While shopping with the wife today, we found a Lego set on our niece's wishlist that was even cheaper than Amazon. So, naturally, we jumped on it. Going through checkout, I looked at the box, then I looked at my wife. All I said to her was that I hope she would forgive me for what I was about to do. Her response: "don't you dare."

Fast forward 15 seconds, and it's our turn in line. As the cashier is about to scan the toy, I pointed out that the set has 446 pieces. "Is that ok for the 10 items or less line?" My wife quickly told her to ignore me.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Before Mount Rushmore was carved into

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DejaVuWho
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Need a terrible terrible just god awful pun

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't find a pun so bad that she'd tell me to shut up and fuck off and die. Naturally I want to prove her wrong. Any and all help is appreciated

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, β€œDo you have a name for the baby yet?”

My brother replies, β€œYeah. Liana Noelle.”

Everyone starts to β€œOoohhh” and β€œAhhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, β€œHow the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”


Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Nice weather for a day trip

My wife mentioned that it looked nice enough out for a day trip. Naturally, I went to the other room, got my bass, and came back and started playing the main line from Day Tripper.

I don’t think I’m invited on the day trip anymore, but I still think it was a sound choice to bass my pun on her plans for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bartmannjugband
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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