My GPS just told me to turn around

Now I can’t see where I’m driving

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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My first attempt at making rye bread didn’t turn out great...

... guess something went awry

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaNiNeTwo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......

UBUNTU.

SurPise!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatthewLee1980
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?

Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curtcurtcurt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

β€œWell, I guess now you really are… independent"

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.

So is the piano shop owner next door.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My satellite navigation told me to turn around....

Now I can't see where I'm going.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me, β€œThe car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”

I said, β€œThat’s sound advice.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I couldn’t figure out why my checkbook wouldn’t balance. It turns out I was adding instead of subtracting.

And that made all the difference.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cderry
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...

I said... you’ll be mist...

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Londoner1982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's

She said that I wasn't wired for it.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jalkl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My teacher told me to turn in my essay...

But I ain’t no snitch.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honjred
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, β€œNo one does that to a woman...

not on my watch”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!

I come from a long line of fathers...

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...

I lost my case.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wizzix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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My friends are convinced that lowercase vowels cannot turn into uppercase.

They just don't see i to I.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I love it when the earth turns! It just really makes my day.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonBlazer27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is

But I swear I lose my cool

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.

Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.

Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.

I thought to myself at last a decent punchline

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.

Then it clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kawaii_PotatoUwU
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope my home-baked breadsticks turn out okay.

Fingers crust.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradFromCorporate
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Should I turn my daughter into gold?

I Midas well.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Culnac
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.

No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out. It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicker87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"

He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagCoov
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.

She's quite sankamonious.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, my wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it is to do laundry.

Finally, I folded.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied β€œIt’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling β€œIt’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinkieded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Ugh...It's my turn to clean the front entrance

Vacuuming sucks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/civicbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_a_Banana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My Star Trek DVDs didn't turn up

..I'd forgotten to send the Chekhov

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/speculatrix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were participating in a fantasy football draft together. After my pick, it was his turn.

Me: "You're up"

Dad: "Asia!"

Me: "What about Asia?"

Dad: "Well you said Europe!"

Thanks to u/adamdidit for being my "father" in this situation

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mavfatha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.

http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hhjrxymos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off?

She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.

He’s not looking so good.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stopthisnow20689
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still.

Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Koko--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A five minute walk from my house to the pub turns into a 35 minute walk back...

The difference is Staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TvV1ST3D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.

Me: That’s ....sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can't see where I'm driving.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report

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