My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I can’t see where I’m driving
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
My first attempt at making rye bread didn’t turn out great...
... guess something went awry
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
My satellite navigation told me to turn around....
Now I can't see where I'm going.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
I couldn’t figure out why my checkbook wouldn’t balance. It turns out I was adding instead of subtracting.
And that made all the difference.
My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... you’ll be mist...
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
My teacher told me to turn in my essay...
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, “No one does that to a woman...
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!
I come from a long line of fathers...
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...
My friends are convinced that lowercase vowels cannot turn into uppercase.
They just don't see i to I.
I love it when the earth turns! It just really makes my day.
I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is
But I swear I lose my cool
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.
Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.
I thought to myself at last a decent punchline
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
I hope my home-baked breadsticks turn out okay.
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out.
It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
Should I turn my daughter into gold?
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Last night, my wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it is to do laundry.
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied “It’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling “It’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
Ugh...It's my turn to clean the front entrance
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...
...Since she can't look sideways anyways...
My Star Trek DVDs didn't turn up
..I'd forgotten to send the Chekhov
My dad and I were participating in a fantasy football draft together. After my pick, it was his turn.
Me: "You're up"
Dad: "Asia!"
Me: "What about Asia?"
Dad: "Well you said Europe!"
Thanks to u/adamdidit for being my "father" in this situation
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off?
She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still.
Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
A five minute walk from my house to the pub turns into a 35 minute walk back...
The difference is Staggering.
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ....sound advice.
My GPS just told me to turn around.
Now I can't see where I'm driving.
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