The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
Dad: the guy who stole my ipad could
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
..you can hide but you can’t run.
I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him ‘I woodn’t do that if I were you’
Guys, I think my friend is addicted to spending money on female Twitch streamers
He's showing dangerous simptoms
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
My sister is going on a date for coffee with a guy named joe....
You could say she’s going for a cup with Joe.....
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
To the guy who stole my antidepressants
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.
So, I handed him a glass of water.
Sorry guys , I just lost my Virg-
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
I’m at my school talent show and this guy said...
“before I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..”
“if your name is Michael, please stand up”
then a couple of guys stand up
and he goes
“that concludes my mike check”
(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!)
Click here for credit
My chiropractor is a funny guy
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
The guy who mans the fishing rods on my boat tried to convince me to vote for a candidate. I fired him.
Pole workers aren't allowed to do that!
A guy came to apply for a job at my ski resort but suddenly walked off angrily...
All I said was "there's snow jobs available."
The delivery guy threw my pizza at me.
Apparently I ordered uber yeets
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
A guy made a hurtful song about me and I couldn't get it out of my head.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.
The guy who did my urinalysis made way too many jokes to be a professional
It was a complete pisstake
To the guy who stole my anti depressants
I lost most of my retirement to that guy from Happy Days.
It was a real Fonzi scheme.
Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
I went to an outdoor mall today and there was guy misting water at people as they walked by. My wife quickly avoided him.
Mister mister missed her.
My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked “could you guys load the dishwasher please?”
So my dad brought her a glass of wine.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one
I finally got the Spotify cake. You guys like my posts right?
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
My chiropractor is a funny guy
To the guy who stole my antidepressants...
To that one guy who stole my antidepressants...
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