My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 865
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
π︎ 29k
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I always wanted my sister to have a son that I could pass on my wisdom to, but I'm so happy she had her little girl, Denise.
Because a kid named Denephew would probably get picked on a lot.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I tore my girl friends lingerie
I hot done for criminal negligee
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
π︎ 92
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.
I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 26k
π
︎ Aug 04 2019
Grandma texted to say my cousin named her baby girl Hadison.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
I was going to ask this girl out at my gym but she only had one leg and...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her Iβm just looking for matches.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!β A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
My wife was surprisingly happy when she found out I was sleeping with another girl
Our daughter was happy she was okay with it as well
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 28 2020
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. :(
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 29 2019
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,
βDad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough timesβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 24 2019
My 6yo girl: our Shih-Tzu never tells the truth
Because heβs a lyinβ dog...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
Currently outside with my girls.
2 year old was running and a bee started flying across her path. She stopped, pointed at it and made a semi distressed, "uuh uuh!" sound. I told her, "You're ok .....just let it bee."
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 24 2020
I found this on my girl's dress, and she told me to post a thread on Reddit. She's so punny.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
I just saw my friend sweep a girl off her feet.
Heβs a really aggressive janitor.
π︎ 55
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 22 2020
I proclaimed to my wife that the world does not revolve around our little girl. Perturbed, she shot back, "Why on Earth would you ever say that!?" I explained, "Well, it's really quite simple you see, she's our daughter..."
π︎ 53
π
︎ May 16 2020
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, βIf you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.β
They are just big raisins.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 12 2018
My son asked me how to tell a boy squirrel from a girl squirrel.
I told him to check for nuts.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
(fairly certain this is original) I'm out to eat with my girl and the server tells us to scan the barcode on the table to see the menu.
After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.
I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
My high school did a musical of a guy taking a girl out to dinner...
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 07 2020
Found my girl tending the beehives...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
My friend wanted to ask a girl out, but every time he'd get her on the phone he'd freak out and abruptly disconnect..
He had too many hang-ups.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
My wife said if I didn't stop singing "1975's Girls" she would leave me
I said "No, I think you better go"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
My buddy gets all the girls. I watched him work once. He approached a lady and said, "girl, you remind me of a thick, creamy beverage made from raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products, typically pureed using a blender!"
He's such a smoothie talker.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
My dad always told me, βFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
My dad always said, β Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.β
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jul 26 2017
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
π︎ 980
π
︎ Nov 14 2018
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 77
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
My friend just swept a girl off her feet.
He is quite an aggressive janitor.
π︎ 61
π
︎ Sep 16 2019
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