The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... 🎶
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.
He’ll do anything for a buck.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
I told my friend I was a big fan of Metallica.
He challenged me and asked me to name 3 songs. I told him "I'm sorry. I only know One"
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.
My friend was shot clean through his skull but survived.
I can’t imagine what was going through his mind at the time.
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.
I said, "I'll call you back."
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression
I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas
I didn’t really want it but it’s the Thoth that counts
I told my friend “I’m addicted to buying Beatles albums!”
He said “You need help.”
I said “No, I’ve already got that one”
Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet...
For Xmas I bought my friend a gift voucher for the opticians.
Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.
My friend was explaining electricity
My friend: I like both men and women.
Me: Oh.. so you're Bi-den?
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, “They're watch dogs'!
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.
My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.
I told him he was in deNile.
My friend has divorced a lumberjack.
He is now her axe-husband.
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
friend: wanna see my goose store?
me: I guess i could take a gander
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
“A cat” I said. “Cats love fish.
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
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