The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... 🎢

πŸ‘︎ 301
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesnearn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Southernms
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 600
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puppybark55
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....

So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.

He’ll do anything for a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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My friend told me, β€œYour wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 23k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoMap73
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...

The tips were huge

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoreTITS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OriginalHybrid127
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.

But he was Nicholas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts??? reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smike1981
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 663
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...

Expunge Bob

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffInNC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I told my friend I was a big fan of Metallica.

He challenged me and asked me to name 3 songs. I told him "I'm sorry. I only know One"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was shot clean through his skull but survived.

I can’t imagine what was going through his mind at the time.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.

He was soda pressed.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exit202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
10 years ago I married my best friend

Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sam_horvacraft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.

I said, "I'll call you back."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My friend works in IT and I asked him, β€œHow do you make a motherboard?”

He said, β€œI usually tell her about my job.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.

Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression

I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borna761
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas

I didn’t really want it but it’s the Thoth that counts

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend β€œI’m addicted to buying Beatles albums!”

He said β€œYou need help.”

I said β€œNo, I’ve already got that one”

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThreePeaceSuits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet...

We’re a cover band.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was explaining electricity

and I was like watt?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apapipay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
For Xmas I bought my friend a gift voucher for the opticians.

Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend: I like both men and women.

Me: Oh.. so you're Bi-den?

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godoftheneworld
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β  I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, β€œThey're watch dogs'!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has divorced a lumberjack.

He is now her axe-husband.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.

I told him he was in deNile.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javerthugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...

β€œBeats me”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
friend: wanna see my goose store?

me: I guess i could take a gander

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t handle going camping with my friend anymore...

It’s just two in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vyvyanovich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnbob-John
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

β€œA cat” I said. β€œCats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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