The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... πΆ
π︎ 301
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 29 2020
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
π︎ 45
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︎ Dec 29 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
π︎ 600
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he canβt even look at himself in the mirror.
π︎ 262
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 45
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
π︎ 82
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.
Heβll do anything for a buck.
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My friend told me, βYour wife and daughter look like twins!β
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
The only people to show up to my friendβs funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
π︎ 663
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
I told my friend I was a big fan of Metallica.
He challenged me and asked me to name 3 songs. I told him "I'm sorry. I only know One"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
My friend was shot clean through his skull but survived.
I canβt imagine what was going through his mind at the time.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
π︎ 30
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.
I said, "I'll call you back."
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression
I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas
I didnβt really want it but itβs the Thoth that counts
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
I told my friend βIβm addicted to buying Beatles albums!β
He said βYou need help.β
I said βNo, Iβve already got that oneβ
π︎ 73
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
My friend was explaining electricity
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
For Xmas I bought my friend a gift voucher for the opticians.
Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My friend: I like both men and women.
Me: Oh.. so you're Bi-den?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, βThey're watch dogs'!
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 137
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My friend has divorced a lumberjack.
He is now her axe-husband.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.
I told him he was in deNile.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jul 26 2020
friend: wanna see my goose store?
me: I guess i could take a gander
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I canβt handle going camping with my friend anymore...
Itβs just two in tents.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
π︎ 55
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
βA catβ I said. βCats love fish.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he canβt even look at himself in the mirror.
π︎ 115
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
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