I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.
We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."
I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
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︎ Mar 14 2021
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...sheβs sorry she ever married me.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
First time my dad took me to church I noticed there was a lady disrobing dolls and putting the clothes on a small cross. I asked my dad what she was doing.
He said "Oh that's just a cross dresser..."
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnβt get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
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︎ Dec 29 2020
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My first time on an elevator was very uplifting
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My first time posting on my cake day!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Poleish
Merry Christmas!!!
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︎ Dec 26 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said βwell then weβll just have to raise some chickens.β
I reply, βwell what about Max?β, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, βwell he canβt lay eggsβ
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︎ Jun 11 2020
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. βWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.β...
βWow!β I said. βWas it some big corporation?β
βNo.β He replied, βI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.β
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︎ Jul 28 2019
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
It was my first time to see Rihanna
It happened on a rainy day so one thing led to another and she ended up under my umbrella
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︎ Sep 22 2020
This was my first time baking a cake for my son
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︎ Sep 03 2020
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
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︎ May 02 2020
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didnβt laugh at any of them. Nevertheless Iβve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today sheβs in labor with our fourth and Iβve finally got her laughing...
I think Iβve really improved the delivery!
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︎ Jun 25 2020
So I told my friend I was gonna watch Cars for the first time and he told me how it ends.
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︎ May 11 2020
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
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︎ Apr 29 2020
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
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︎ Jun 01 2020
My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt
I told him "It was just ground this morning."
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︎ Sep 19 2019
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day Iβve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. Itβs been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
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︎ May 16 2020
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
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︎ Jul 09 2019
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...
...but it's really starting to grow on me.
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︎ Apr 24 2020
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advisedβ¦
"Well son, just take away their little brooms."
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︎ Aug 11 2019
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening heβs absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend βWhy I have to change my position every time?β
He replies βI know, this sub is full of repostsβ
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︎ Aug 10 2019
I just had my chimney inspected for the first time.
They said it has the flu.
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︎ Mar 02 2020
I was drawing a zombie for my friend and wasn't sure how I would draw his eyes. First time posting here but hope this counts.
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︎ Aug 28 2019
Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?
Fishizzle!
Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.
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︎ Feb 11 2020
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Aug 04 2019
Took my son to a ranch for the first time, he never heard a foal neigh before and thought it was sick.
I told him it was just a little horse.
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︎ Jan 25 2020
My son just became a father for the first time todayβ¦
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told himβ¦they were stored in my dadabase.β¦
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︎ Feb 21 2017
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
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︎ Mar 16 2020
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!
It's my last resort!
Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"
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︎ Jan 08 2020
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
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︎ Jan 26 2020
I went to the doctors for the first time in a while. He told me that I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass.
I told him that was just the tip of the iceberg
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︎ May 30 2019
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
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︎ Oct 27 2018
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...
Every clod has a silver lining.
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︎ Nov 24 2019
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnβt get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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︎ Apr 28 2019
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
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︎ Feb 02 2020
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
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︎ Jan 19 2020
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
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︎ Jan 16 2020
My first time in an elevator was a very uplifting experience
The second time let me down
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︎ Jan 25 2020
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Nov 20 2019
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down.
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︎ May 22 2019
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.
Ten or twenty feet away from her at all times.
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︎ Dec 26 2019
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience...
The second time let me down π
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︎ Sep 21 2019
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher suggested that I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from her at all times.
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︎ Sep 20 2019
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