My first time joke on this sub. because I finally thought of something..
What did the Mommy Ice Cube say to her Baby Ice Cube when they ask:
"Mommy? Where is Daddy Ice Cube?"
Mommy: "He's out of the pitcher!"
Thank you, thank you!
(Please don't hurt me)
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︎ Dec 24 2022
My IT data analyst buddy was so excited to come to the gun range with me for his first time.
But he had troubleshooting.
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︎ Nov 23 2022
When my great-grandfather first saw the Titanic setting sail, he wasted no time telling everyone around him that it was going to sink.
Eventually they had to kick him out of the movie theater.
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︎ Dec 23 2022
I dyed my hair blonde yesterday, and this is my first time posting on this sub
It's true what they say.
Blondes have more puns.
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︎ Dec 11 2022
My wife didn't initially seem very supportive when I decided to use my free time to produce my first movie, "Stick." I knew she had come around though when she obliged my request to name the sequel for me.
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︎ Dec 22 2022
The first time I saw my wife was at an apiary.
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︎ Nov 26 2022
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me
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︎ Oct 19 2022
Today was my first time trying to put together IKEA furniture...
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︎ Sep 26 2022
First time at a French restaurant I ordered the Napoleon Chicken. My waiter brought me a chicken carcass with no meat on it I said "What's this?". He replied . . .
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︎ Oct 15 2022
I asked my janitor if I could borrow his floor polisher to do something about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he couldn't remember where he left it. "That's okay", I said, "as a programmer, this isn't the first time I've suffered a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error."
/r/ProgrammerHumor/commenβ¦
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︎ Sep 13 2022
When I was first diagnosed with my brain tumor I was depressed for a long time..
...But now it's really starting to grow on me
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︎ Sep 09 2022
I remember the time when I let my wife listen to "I'm a believer" by Smash Mouth, and at first I thought she liked it
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︎ Jul 03 2022
My son cut himself shaving for the first time under his nose.
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︎ Aug 07 2022
My mom bought my wife Minnie mouse pj's for her birthday. She wore them last night for the first time. My daughter came in to our room this morning and said "Mom, I love your Minnie pajamas!"
I responded, "Actually they're full size."
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︎ Jul 23 2022
My seven-year-old daughter came up with this joke. If itβs not a new joke, my apologies, but it was a first time Iβve heard of it:
What goes after USA?
USB.
Edit: Thanks for the awards and the upvotes! My daughter is going to love this.
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︎ Jul 27 2021
My first 2 weeks on the job, every time I got up from my desk I hit my head on the cabinets above me. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong
Until one day, when I finally understood.
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︎ Jun 22 2022
My dad got WhatsApp for the first time the other day
His first message to our family group chat was βWhatsApp-eningβ
(Sorry if itβs bad itβs my first)
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︎ May 23 2022
We were both shaking a bit as I took her out. I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't my first time. When I reached my hand down, I could feel she was already wet. I felt around until I found it and slowly slid my finger in the hole. That's when I knew it for sure.
I was definitely going to need a new boat.
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︎ May 18 2022
My first time on an escalator was so uplifting!β¦
β¦The second time though was more of a letdown.
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︎ Jan 08 2022
I intentionally left my cell phone at home when I went to visit the Vatican for the first time
But somehow I still incurred massive Roman charges.
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︎ Jan 14 2022
My wife just remind me the first time we meet each other
We meet at the office. We opened the laptops. We saw each other photos, and we both clicked instantly.
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︎ Feb 17 2022
My 3-yr old went through the dadjoke cycle for the first time
She was in the middle of a tantrum. I asked her why she was crying, and she said "Because I'm so sad!"
I replied with the classic "Hi so sad, I'm dad."
She stopped crying for a sec, smiled, realized she had stopped crying and started smiling, and then got angry with herself for smiling. And resumed crying with a loud wail.
Can't wait to irritate her again!
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︎ Jan 15 2022
My dad tried Taco Bell's breakfast salsa for the first time today and said it was milder than mild.
So it's passive salsa then.
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︎ Apr 01 2022
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. βWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.β...
βWow!β I said. βWas it some big corporation?β
βNo.β He replied, βI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 28 2019
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnβt get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 28 2019
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
My estranged son sent me a gif wishing me happy birthday for the first time in years
I think that picture was really moving
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︎ Sep 26 2021
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said βwell then weβll just have to raise some chickens.β
I reply, βwell what about Max?β, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, βwell he canβt lay eggsβ
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︎ Jun 11 2020
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
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︎ Mar 14 2021
No joke. Today was the first time my almost 2yo got her dad with a 'no, yes, oh!' Out of nowhere
I have never seen my husband so proud.
I think this is the only subreddit that understands π
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︎ Nov 17 2021
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
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︎ May 03 2021
I never manage to connect my USB the first time.
the second try ,I usually succeed for the first time.
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︎ Oct 19 2021
It's my first time mixing flour into the gravy tonight.
Quite a whisky undertaking.
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︎ Jul 28 2021
My son just became a father for the first time todayβ¦
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told himβ¦they were stored in my dadabase.β¦
π︎ 6k
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︎ Feb 21 2017
I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.
We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."
I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...
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︎ Apr 19 2021
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
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︎ Jul 09 2019
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt
I told him "It was just ground this morning."
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︎ Sep 19 2019
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
My wife apologized for the first time ever today
She said she's sorry she even married me.
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 21 2022
My wife apologized for the first time ever today!
She said she's sorry she ever married me.
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︎ Apr 16 2022
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...sheβs sorry she ever married me.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnβt get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
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︎ Dec 29 2020
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
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︎ Feb 02 2020
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
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︎ Jan 19 2020
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