I like my slaves how I like my coffee..
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: in space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I like my women like I like my coffee...
Strong and given proper recognition for their contributions.
I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
I’m starting to feel bad for my coffee.
Poor guy gets mugged everyday.
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking my coffee in my slippers
When I thought to myself, I really need to clean some mugs
I first met my wife at our favorite coffee shop
We found ourselves on common grounds
There were a bunch of coffee grounds in my coffee this morning.
(my first dad joke)My friend said ,"Drink coffee and water to stay awake all night".
Sounded like a peeceful night to me.
My friend thinks that, every day, 500 million Americans drink coffee from a Thermos.
Personally, I think there something wrong with his thermostat.
My daughter at breakfast this AM: “Are you drinking coffee because you’re coughy?”
Me: “Are you eating cereal because you can’t cereal good?”
Wife: 🙄
Someone at my work was stealing coffee...
That's grounds for termination.
I named my coffee table Vincent.
It has a bit of veneer missing.
I got coffee for all the higher ups at my company this morning
Because I’m a bit of a chai hard
Someone in the office has stolen my coffee cup
It's safe to say I've been mug'ed
Marijuana and coffee is my favorite breakfast combo.
That may explain why ice mocha lotta weed.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted an ice coffee.
I said no, can I get a mean one instead?
My friend said this joke : How does Moses make his coffee
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
My barrista asked if I wanted her to leave a litte room in my coffee
I told her no thanks. I don't think it would fit
I take my men like I take my coffee
I forgot my coffee at work today so I got an affogato last minute
You could say I affogato my coffee
If my spouse makes a crunchy cup of coffee…
Is that grounds for divorce?
My favorite type of coffee is a.....
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
My coffee table was once owned by Vincent van Gogh...
It, too, is missing big peice of veneer.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head
It's awful to see someone you love mugged.
I prefer my coffee as I do my women...
Ground up and separated into small bags.
From my son. "What do you call Coffee for sad people?"
Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.
I don't know how they sleep at night.
I was working my job at the coffee shop when one of the customers shouted: “This coffee tastes like mud!”
“Well of course, sir,” I replied, “It’s fresh ground after all.”
From my 10 year old son: Why did the coffee taste like dirt?
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I'm currently watching the sunrise and drinking coffee in my slippers.
Guess I should really wash some cups.
On Father's Day, my wife and kids woke me up, lifted their coffee cups and said, "You're great, splendid, magnificent, superb, fantastic"
Me: What's this?
Wife: When I asked you what you wanted for your father's day breakfast, you said 'just a coffee and synonym toast'.
I thought I’d spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.
Turns out it was all under CTRL.
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
While at a dinner with my five year old daughter: Coffee please, and I'll have an apple juice.
Got a smirk from the from the server.
My coffee table used to be owned by Evander Hoyfield ...
I can tell because it's missing a little piece of veneer.
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.
They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"
My wife says she's anti-coffee
I guess that makes me Uncle coffee
I like my coffee how I like my slaves
I like my women like my coffee
I like my women like I like my coffee
My dentist said my teeth were stained. He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?" I replied,
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “do you smoke or drink coffee?”
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
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