“Aren’t pencils the best?”, my friend said to me.
I told him “Yeah, but when they’re unsharpened they’re pointless.”
My best friend is a chicken
I don't really wanna be friends with him but he sure does know a lot of chicks
I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.
It's like he's living under Iraq.
My friend at his wedding told me that I am the worst best man he has ever seen.
My female best friend and her girlfriend gifted me a Rolex for my birthday.
Not what I meant when I said I wanna watch.
My wife has left me for my best friend...
Well....he was a complete stranger at the time.
But, he's my best friend now.
My friend thinks that Circle K is the best...
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
I’ve been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn’t helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he’ll just say vaguely supportive things that really don’t help. He’ll say things like “hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you’re not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.”
I know he means well.
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
Me and my friend were debating about what the best medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer while he said the mace. Our argument got so heated we haven't spoken to each other in weeks!
Talk about blunt force drama.
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
my best friend is a mushroom and hes become really grumpy lately
It's such a shame, as he used to be such a fun guy
Accidentally murdered my best friend last night
I guess I committed a Homiecide
My wife ran off with my best friend last week.
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
My high school daughter was caught sneaking alcohol into school and when questioned said it was her "best friend's" and she was just carrying it.
l'm just proud my daughter still thinks of me as her best friend!
I just found out that my best friend is a huge fan of Hitler.
My best friend works in the ER so I text jokes for him to tell his patients
He said it helps and leaves them all in stitches.
My best friend is a gardener so I asked him if he'd build an overhead structure for my patio.
But I think he was distracted by bladder problems, because he kept asking: "Can I pee?"
My best friend in highschool was a mushroom
He was a fungi to hang out with
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Freud is my grandpa's imaginary best friend...
I keep telling him that it's just a Sigmund of his imagination.
I was watching Lord of the Rings with my best friend yesterday, when I saw a wasp on the screen. I told my friend that the wasp was disturbing my viewing, and he replied
Texas weather is making my best friend hilarious
My best friend, Davis, asked me how far I would travel to listen to my favourite jazz music.
My friend thinks he can beat me in a best hat contest. Well..
Toque can play at that game.
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
My best friend is a tightrope walker
The only problem with him is that he's so high strung.
My best friend is bald but he still carries his comb with him
He just can't seem to part with it.
When I was 8 years old my best friend died from a velcro accident.
My best friend is a monkey.
When I was a kid, my best friend was killed when he rode a Slip n Slide straight into an open manhole.
His cause of death was listed as a sewer slide.
I asked my wife, "Honey, for £50,000, would you sleep with my best friend?"
She said, "Why, yes! But where am I going to get £50,000?"
My best friend said, "I've been babysitting children from the age of 19."
I said, "But by that age they are adults."
Today I found out my best friend Gav died of heartburn
My best friend just had a baby and said he can't hang around with me this weekend.
You've known the baby for only 1 day and mee for 16 years, but okay.
My best friend is scared straight of rain coats
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied “Panettone”.
That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.
I wanted to go rock-climbing on Saturday but my best friend hated the idea.
He made the whole day very anti- climb- atic.
At his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst Best Man that he has ever seen.
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
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