I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 611
π
︎ May 29 2021
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
π︎ 808
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
I stopped eating on my bed
Everything started tasting like sheet.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 28 2021
My wife had just put expensive new silk bedding on the bed...
... along with a cashmere blanket. It seemed odd, but on top of all of that she put a cheap thin sheet woven from flax fibers. I was standing by the dresser and accidentally bumped a hot pot of Earl Grey, spilling it all over the bed. My wife told me not to worry. Amazingly, despite the amount that I had spilled, none of it got onto the fancy blanket or bedding. I was completely befuddled, so she explained, "Brewed tea is only linen deep."
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 31 2021
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 29 2021
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
π︎ 330
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....
βHey can you hear my back crackβ
I replied βyea can you hear my ass crackβ then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man
Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cansπ€
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
I overheard my wife complaining to her friends that I donβt last long enough in bed.
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
I tuck my suitcase into bed at night.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed
Why did the tree moo?
Because there was a cow stuck in it!
π︎ 44
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
...weβve drifted apart.
π︎ 801
π
︎ May 26 2020
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
π︎ 438
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed
Told her I would sleep on it
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.
I told her sheβd be booked for resisting a rest.
π︎ 117
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
Before we go to bed, my wife always recites the members of the round table..
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
The most stable relationship I have is with my bed
Because it stands on four legs.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
On my death bed Iβl request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say βmay he rest in peesβ
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I've been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
π︎ 103
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..
Look at me now, saving lives!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night.
I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
π︎ 101
π
︎ Apr 09 2020
I read it's romantic to scatter rose petals on your bed, but they were too expensive. Instead, my wife and I will just have to make love on..
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
My wife bought 9 pillows for our bed claiming it's a necessary aesthetic
But I think it's unnecessary fluff.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 409
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed....
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 217
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked whatβs that go to do with anything..
I said itβs because itβs pasture bedtime.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
I said to my daughter, βItβs time for bed, the cows are asleep in the fieldβ. She asked βwhatβs that got to do with anythingβ?
I said βItβs pasture bedtimeβ.
π︎ 114
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 429
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 428
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
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