I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Before we go to bed, my wife always recites the members of the round table..
I decided to read my dictionary in bed last night, but I didn't finish it.
I woke up at midnight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor staring at me from the foot of my bed...
First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
The most stable relationship I have is with my bed
Because it stands on four legs.
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
My daughter refused to go to bed on time.
I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.
I read it's romantic to scatter rose petals on your bed, but they were too expensive. Instead, my wife and I will just have to make love on..
I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night.
I woke up with the hare standing on the back of my neck.
My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..
Look at me now, saving lives!
My wife bought 9 pillows for our bed claiming it's a necessary aesthetic
But I think it's unnecessary fluff.
Trying to put my kid to bed
Dad I need a hug
Ok buddy hugs
Dad did you know great white sharks are blue?
Go to bed
Dad I just need to show you my butt.
No go to bed
But...
NO BUTTS!!!!
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
My kid just peed on my bed. And I shouted
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
I've been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
Tho my son was going to start a petition to ban them, he slept on his specially built bed...
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?
My wife was feeling frisky in bed and asked if she could defile me
To which I replied: But what if I like being filed?
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame
I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
My friend walked upstairs, stepped on a banana peel, and fell on his bed
Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.
I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."
My Girlfriend went to bed not realizing what she said
She goes omg it's 1:30 already. I said no honey it's only 11:30. She said, well I missed that one...I bursted in while she was on the toilet to explain it's genus.
I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed
But I just made it up as I went along.
I’m ready to bring my injectable coronavirus cleansers and gamma-ray beds to market
This is going to make a killing
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.
My son got in trouble today because he told me his bed was a mess
Then i found out he'd made the whole thing up
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
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