I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”
My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn.
I told her she’s ovaryacting.
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...
But I still don’t talk to her
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...
he can't have my nose, I need it!
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
My wife is so unreasonable. First she told me to get a baby monitor
Then she told me she doesn’t want lizards in the house. Make up your mind!
My baby keeps getting covered in drool.
I need to get a better pillow...
My Mexican friend needed a bodysuit for her baby...
Forgive my brain, but I felt the urge to share this baby of mine
I told my kids I served in the Baby Wars.
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"
No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.
I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.
I’m so proud of my baby, she just joined the army!
She’s going to the infantry.
Grandma texted to say my cousin named her baby girl Hadison.
My friend was pregnant and had the baby in car on her way to the hospital
her husband named him "Carson"
Sister in law was holding my baby but was talking about her onesie. “Is this a newborn”?
Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
The baby sheep got out of their pen and I impulsively grabbed a sheep with my right hand and a sheep with my left...
I guess I'm just lambidextrous...
I'll show y'all to the door.
My kid’s baby teeth are falling out
This means that the kid is getting closer to adultooth
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
My friend was going to barbecue baby backs but fell in the way to the grill...
My baby sister just threw a toy horse at me
I told her to hold her horses
All my baby says is A E I O U...
I have no idea where he picked up this vowel language.
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
My brother and his wife decided to name their baby boy Tinnitus.
He claims it has a nice ring to it.
My kid asked if a horticulturist cared for baby trees.
I said, “no, that’d be a pedia-treecian.”
My daughter just now... “Dad, would you rather eat a raw fish or a matter baby?”
Me: “love, what’s a matter baby?”
Her: “nothing. What’s a matter with you?”
I’m so proud.
Our baby hasn't been eating from my wife's left breast.
I told her it doesn't taste quite right.
Raising chickens at home, just asked my Dad "how do I tell if a baby chick is male or female?"
Dad: "look for the pecker"
My farmer friend used his stimulus check to buy new baby chickens.
He got his money for nothin, and his chicks for free
Even though my baby poops a lot, I feel like the life lessons he’s been teaching me are invaluable.
My wife treats me like a baby, both in the bedroom and out.
She's my significant other mother.
My husband said the baby hadn't slept AT ALL when I was gone, which is abnormal.
I told him, "the baby...is resisting a-rest."
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it
I hand the baby back
Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
My Mrs asked me to wind the baby...
I thought that was a bit harsh so I only gave it a dead arm.
“My wife said: having a baby hurts like hell”
I asked in response if she thought it was “Birth-while”
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
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