I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.
Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.
๐︎ 15k
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︎ Aug 27 2022
10 years ago my colleague, and now best mate, made a legendary dad joke which I still think about to this day.
We were entry-level accountants at a large firm, doing a coffee run for a team of about 20. It took foreverrr for the cafe to make them all and even longer for us to figure out how to get all these coffees back upstairs. We finally get back to the team and one of the partners exclaimed โGuys! Where the hell have you been?! That took half an hour!โ Being new we sort of didnโt say anything and slunk away to our desks. Then, out of nowhere about 15 seconds later, my mate sticks his head up and yells โbetter latte than never!โ
Thatโs when he became my best mate.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Aug 31 2022
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 17 2022
My Dad told me to never steal kitchen utensils,
but itโs a whisk Iโm willing to take.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Aug 27 2022
My friend Olivia turned 54 recently.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Sep 02 2022
Got my 30 year old son with this..
Me: Son, will you remember me when I'm gone?
Son: Of course, dad.
Me: Son, will you remember me in 5 years?
Son: yes
Me: Son, will you remember me in 5 months?
Son: yes
Me: Son, will you remember me 5 minutes from now?
Son: Well sure
Me: That really makes my day son! Ya wanna hear a dad joke?
Son: Of course dad I love your dad jokes!
Me: Knock Knock
Son: Who's there?
I just stared at him shaking my head..
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 16 2022
My wife says sex is like pizza.
I canโt have it until I lose some weight.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Aug 20 2022
My wife asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite.
When I got home I realized I picked 7-up.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 19 2022
Yesterday my wife and I were leaving a parking spot. There was a black and white car ahead of us.
Wife: It's a cow car!
Me: It's a moooo-tor vehicle!
Wife: polite chuckle
Me: It's udderly fun to drive!
Wife: ...
Me: It has a cattle-lytic converter.
Wife: You can stop any time.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Aug 08 2022
From my 12 year old: What kind of jacket makes you hot?
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 15 2022
My Latina wife used to seductively roll her rโs when speaking Spanish to me. But now that Iโm into telling dad jokes she doesnโt do that anymore.
These days she just rolls her eyes.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Aug 07 2022
A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:
Why are bacteria so bad at math?Because they multiply by dividing.RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Aug 24 2022
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it landsโthat's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Aug 06 2022
My boss texted me "hey send me one of your funny jokes"
I replied "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later"
He replied "ha that was hilarious. send me another one"
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Aug 04 2022
My dad just sent me this
๐︎ 6k
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︎ Aug 16 2022
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction..
But I just know I can win her back!
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Aug 07 2022
My friend was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to him.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 30 2022
I saw a Karen today with a bumper sticker that said โYou will address me by my husbandโs rankโ.
Guess she just wanted her conversation to be private.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Jul 21 2022
I painted my favorite word
๐︎ 555
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︎ Aug 23 2022
My wife was pissed when I accidentally overcooked the ribeye tonight.
I told her everybody makes misteaks.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 25 2022
This was my birthday cheese. It was really gouda.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Jul 31 2022
I took my pet pig to the vet because she was feeling sick. The vet told me to return in a couple hours, so I did. When I came back, the vet presented me with a ham.
I looked at him, confused, and he said "I cured her."
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Aug 20 2022
I had to break up with my math teacher girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with an X.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Jul 28 2022
My wife asked if I've seen the dog bowl.
I said I never knew he did.
๐︎ 746
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︎ Sep 02 2022
I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree
๐︎ 939
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︎ Aug 23 2022
My kids asked what my favorite band was and I said the Rolling Stones
They said, "The Who?"
"No", I said, "The Rolling Stones
๐︎ 397
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︎ Aug 30 2022
My wife said 'You really have no sense of direction, do you ?'
I said, 'where did that come from ?'
๐︎ 454
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︎ Aug 31 2022
My wife is preparing dinner. My 10yr old son walks in and yells out โWTF!โ
Pause and follows up โWhereโs The Food!โ
Almost did not survive his first dad joke!
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 20 2022
Found this in my moms garage. I give you: The Bottle Popener
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 02 2022
I think my house is haunted by a chicken..
It's a poultrygeist, a fowl spirit.
I'm going to call an eggsorcist, to help ot cross to the other side.
๐︎ 728
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︎ Sep 01 2022
Itโs my wifeโs birthday next week and sheโs been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.
So I got her a magazine rack.
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Aug 09 2022
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.
I may have a poltrygeist.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jul 18 2022
When I was younger, I worked at a Honda dealership doing oil changes on other peopleโs cars because my bosses told me to.
Now I do it on my own Accord.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 22 2022
My doctor told me I was going deaf
The news was hard for me to hear
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 12 2022
My wife asked me to plan a cruise for our vacation. When I did she said that I picked the wrong ocean.
She should have been pacific in her instructions.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 07 2022
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: โDonโt go in there! Donโt go in the church, you moron!โ
She is watching our wedding video again.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 18 2022
My dad claimed he could boost our TVโs sound quality by putting plastic wrap over the speakers.
He said Saran-sound is all the rage nowadays.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jul 31 2022
Can someone please explain if this is a pun or joke on my socks? I donโt get it
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jul 12 2022
A lot of things have changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
My name, my address, my cellphone number...
๐︎ 299
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︎ Sep 01 2022
I recently rearranged all the labels on my wifeโs spice rack.
She hasnโt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Jul 26 2022
My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them
He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.
๐︎ 485
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︎ Sep 01 2022
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer
Apparently the paper was jamming
๐︎ 702
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︎ Aug 23 2022
When the therapist said, โSo, tell me what brings you here today?โ My wife growled, โItโs really difficult to live with him. Heโs so literal!โ I shook my head, chuckled and explained...
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Jul 22 2022
I caught my friend harassing some electricity...
I told him it was an abuse of power.
๐︎ 351
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︎ Aug 24 2022
My son was chewing on electrical wires, so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jul 23 2022
My kid swallowed Scrabble tiles when I wasnโt looking - now weโre missing all the Aโs Eโs Iโs Oโs Uโs and Yโs.
His pediatrician said weโll have to wait for a vowel movement.
๐︎ 473
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︎ Aug 11 2022
My adorable three month old daughter thought about coming up with this joke today...Why did the little shrimp have trouble keeping friends?
Because she was shellfish.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 08 2022
My wife yelled "Give it to me! Give it to me!" "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted to, I was keeping the umbrella.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Aug 09 2022
My dad is transitioning and says when it's done I won't be able to see him anymore
๐︎ 215
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︎ Aug 30 2022
my wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk, I'm willing to take
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Jul 28 2022
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