A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βWhat happened before The Big Bang?β
He said, βSorry. There is no Time.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
My vaccine dad joke failed
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
βThis takes me back.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, βNo, only for the next couple of hours.β
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
This is my best pick-up line
π︎ 575
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
My sister didn't get my pun
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesnβt need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
π︎ 532
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
π︎ 227
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
my little Rock Band
π︎ 358
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
A man in my gym just proposed and she said no.
They didnβt workout.
Edited: It changed to they.
Thanks lornstar7
π︎ 265
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, βIs it to scale?β I replied, βNoβ¦β
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
My wife told me Iβve grown as a person
Her actual word were βyouβve gotten fatβ, but I know what she meant.
π︎ 977
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
