...never a crossword...
He's my penne pal.
My brother was talking about planting new plants at his house.
Him: I just want ones that don't leaf.
Me: Maybe if you treated your plants better they wouldn't leaf.
Blank stare
Beef mutual fun
The felines not mutual.
We have 3 mutual funds in common.
We were talking about a mutual friend recovering from cancer:
Wife: .. and her tumor shrunk at least 50% now.
Me: (almost instantly) So it's a onemor now? Good for her!
Wife: (Silence then a groan)
..I think I'm going to hell for that one.
EDIT: grammar thanks jonty57
If you are consenting adults who have reached a mutual understanding first
Wife talking about a mutual friend who we didn't see for a while.
Wife: I just saw Noor he's back at work now. He was on vacation in Indonesia.
Me: How was his trip?
Wife: He said not good as it rained the whole time.
Me: So he vacationed in Indoor-nesia?
Wife: not impressed
I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.
Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.
So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.
Right before I had to go sleep, me and my wife's mutual friend posted something on social media about her first time wearing cropped hair.
ME: So she has cornrows?
WIFE: What? No, that's totally different.
ME: But that's a crop, right?
WIFE: ... go to bed.
My mom, my brother, and a friend were all talking about how this one mutual friend of ours has mono.
Mom: Yeah, she has mono. The unfortunate thing is there's not much you can do about mono.
Me: She could always switch to Stereo.
The looks I got were life threatening. It was great.
So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."
Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."
