What’s the difference between my mom and my dad?
My mom was always right, and dad left.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said,
My son asked if our retriever had a mom and dad. I told him, “No, son.”
What did the black dad and white mom name their little boy?
My Mom wants to replace my cyborg Dad because his hearing is shot and will need new parts.
But I would never let that happen to him. Ear-replaceable.
Told this joke to my mom, and my dad overheard and laugh loudly, proud moment for me.
Even until now knives keep being...Cutting edge technology
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in the other. The weatherman was a Russian named Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know?"
He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
Anybody know that joke about the mom and dad who do the marathon?
All I remember is that it’s been a long running joke in my family
What is something all mom and dad over the world have in common?
Mom and dad were disappointed when I got into hot air balloons.
Their exact response was, "That's not how we raised you."
My Mom just pulled a Dad joke and it was PERFECT!
We were driving to the local gas station to get gas, and houses still have their Christmas lights up. We also recently had a foot and a half of snow fall.
So we were going up the street and looking at the lights, before I noticed that there was a mound of snow glowing! A second later I realized that snow had buried a large bush that was covered in lights under about a five inch layer of snow. I thought it was funny and joked with my Mom about how a kid would react, saying “A kid would be so confused! They’d be like ‘Mom the snow is glowing’!!”
My Mom laughed and said, “It’s a real snow glow!”
It took me a second to realize it and I just started laughing.
Edit: I talked with her… my Mom actually said GLOBE! Lol!!!
A dad joke from my four year old this morning as her mom and I realized out loud it is our football day “Daddy is it warm outside now?”
So, a baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I a polar bear?”. The mother says, “well, I’m polar bear, your dad’s a polar bear, your grand mother and grand father are polar bears, so why do you ask?”.
The baby polar bear responds, “Because I’m fucking freezing!!!”
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
This is a conversation my mom and dad just had
Mom: We don't hear the birds from (hometown) here.
Dad: No, of course not, why would they come all the way over here?
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
What’s the difference between a dad joke and a mom joke?
You gotta have the balls to tell it!
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?
Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.
My friend said he wanted to bang his mom and kill his dad.
I told him that was some freudulent thinking.
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
I grew up in the circus and me, my mom, dad and thirteen siblings were all clowns.
It didn’t pay much, but luckily we only needed one car
Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?
A German Family consisting of a Mom, Dad, 8-year-old son, and 6-year-old daughter walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
How do you call a ghost mom and dad? Transparent
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
I learned something very shocking today about my mom and dad
They are both palindromes 😱
Mom was pregnant and dad asked the time. She asked if she looked like a clock...
"Well, you're big and round and you've got two hands!" said my dad
From my dad, a minute ago: “your mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”
“They didn’t have any seafood there!”
I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.
So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
My family was eating birthday cake, and one of the he toppings looked like striped bark, so my mom asked my dad, " Do you want a bark?"
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
son: dad, what's the secret to you and mom being happy? dad:we go out to a romantic dinner at least once a week. son:that's wonderful where do you go? dad:I like italian...I don't know where your mother goes.
What's the difference between mom jokes and dad jokes?
Mom jokes gives birth to laughter.
Dad jokes plant the seed to laugh.
My dad drinks too much at parties and starts yelling racial epithets and my mom rushes to get him to go home...
She knows it's time to leave when he starts slurring his words.
My mom and dad were dwarves.
All their life they struggled to put food on the table.
My dad took the phone from my mom when I was talking to her and came up with this one...
Dad: Did you get those batteries you needed?
Me: What batteries?
Dad: The ones for the bug zapper. There's some lady that sells them at the beach.
Me: Who? What are you talking about?
Dad: You know the lady. She sells D Cells down by the sea shore.
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
Dad joked me and Mom over the phone
I called home yesterday for Mother's Day, and both of my parents were on the line at the same time. My mother and I were having a regular boring conversation, and my dad... well... he was keeping himself amused:
Dad: looks out the window Hey, it's a cardinal. pause I didn't know this was a Catholic neighborhood...
Got on a plane behind a dad, mom, and 18 year old daughter....
Daughter says "where are we sitting?"
Dad says "down"
Girl is mortified, so embarrassed, beat red, and I'm falling down laughing as a hungover mid 20's man. I shake his hand. We laugh for a good half hour about it. Daughter proceeds to be humiliated
My dad came up to me and said, “your mom and I have been married for so long, we are on our 4th bottle of bitters”
Dad and Mom working together
Family in kitchen awaiting breakfast
Dad: "Honey, make me some coffee."
Mom: "Make your own coffee"
Dad: "A women's place is in the kitchen, so you have to make it"
Mom: "No, it says in the bible that men make coffee"
Dad: "It does? Where?"
*Opens bible and points to the book of "HeBrews"
What do you call when your mom is your dad and your dad is your mom?
What do you call a ghost’s mom and dad?
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