Mom And Daughter Puns

The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.

You can’t elope.

Daughter says "where are we sitting?"

Dad says "down"

Girl is mortified, so embarrassed, beat red, and I'm falling down laughing as a hungover mid 20's man. I shake his hand. We laugh for a good half hour about it. Daughter proceeds to be humiliated

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

An antacid

I'm a single mom so I feel its ok for me to post this (and it made my daughter facepalm)

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head

This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...

Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH

Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked “what’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, “you can talk?”

“Yes” the well said, “long ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

“Alas” the woman said, “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

“Do not be afraid” the well said, “I will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

Ruth's mom made cookies. She left the kitchen and when she returned, the cookies were all eaten. She thought Ruth ate them, but she wanted to know for sure. She put the kettle on, because she knew if she wanted the truth from her daughter she would have to have the tea first.

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word "Otherwise" written on it.

Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated "This says Otherwise."

She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad.

A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

I started pronouncing words backwards and forwards, with slight variation in the sounds of the consonants.

Mom....mmoM.

Dad....daaD.

Poop....pooP.

Daughter: What are you doing!? *Shriveled nose face

Dad: I'm trying to think of words that sound the same backwards and forwards. Can you think of any?

Daughter: Um, no.

Dad: I'm surprised you didn't instantly think of... Sass.

(Still would work if they come up with examples as long as they don't think of sass.)

Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family. Their daughter walks in.

"Hey hon, how are you!" -Mom

"Hey! I'm okay. My throat is a little raw." -Daughter

"Well you better cook it." -Dad

I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on.

Daughter was born at 8:08am yesterday. 7lbs, 1oz, 20" long. Dad, Mom and baby are doing great! Image

Edit - link formatting
Edit - My wife thinks the pic makes it look like she gave birth to Mother Teresa

> Me: See that house on the right over there? Your mom and I are moving there to live out our days. > > Daughter: What?... Why? > > Me: So that the entire world will know that we were always on the right side of history.

Many-a-groans were had. I now feel like more of a dad than ever.

12yo daughter who lives with her mom and visits periodically: How's the business? Me: A little wishy washy.

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave.

Wife (to daughter): "You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you?"

Me (interjecting): "Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head."

The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke. She know she cray cray.

Yesterday, while eating dinner - my 3 year old daughter wanted a kiss from her mother.

Daughter: I want a kiss.

My daughter then proceeds to give her mom a kiss.

Me: I want 2 kisses.

Daughter then kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 3 kisses.

Kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 4 kisses.

She grabs her fork and puts it to my mouth, and says fork kiss! And laughs.

I'm so proud of her...hahahhaha

Edit: formatting (on mobile)

Daughter was born 8/17/15 (first child). When they put her in mom's arms we were both tearful. I counted her finger and toes then I touched her little ear... she suddenly winced at that and without missing a beat I said "oh no...sorry to earitate you." It was so natural.

Sitting around the dinner table, my brother's girlfriend asked my parents how they met, and my dad got to the marriage part:

Dad:"So I finally got the courage to ask your mom's dad to marry his daughter. I said 'Sir, would you mind if I took your daughter's hand in marriage?' He told me 'Her hand? You better take the rest of her too!'"

Well played, Pop, well played.

Was on the phone with my ex-wife (her mom) discussing when she would pick up our daughter for visitation tomorrow and she (my ex) was telling me about a minor fender-bender she was in the other day.

She said she filed a police report since the other person drove off and I replied that she did the right thing to cover her ass, and my daughter pipes up: "that's because she's wearing pants, daddy!"

I have to be doing something right.

Daughter: It's kinda cold on here, are you chilly?

Me: No, I'm T-boz, your mom is Left Eye. So I guess that makes you Chilli. (Wife sighs)

Daughter: That's doesn't make any sense.

Me: It's okay. Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and streams that you're used to.

(Kid sick from the flu) Mom to daughter - Your face looks pale. Dad to daughter - You gonna sit there and let her call you a bucket head!!!!!

In the mail today we got out 1 year old Halloween costume. We tried it on her to make sure it fit. She was still wearing it when my 6 year old gets off the school bus. After seeing her sisters costume the older daughter asks "Did that just come today?" Without missing a beat I tell her "no, we had her just over a year ago." I got groans from the daughter, wife, and wife's mom who was on the phone at the time.

<driving, everyone sniffing the air>

Daughter: "That's not my fault. I didn't fart."

Mom: "No, I think that's the road work over there."

Dad: "Yeah, that's asphalt and not your ass fault."

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

We are at the dinner table, eating dinner. My six year old daughter asks if she can be excused from the table.

I told her no, and she says "But..." and I cut her off saying we do not say potty words at the table, and that she needs to use the word Bottom instead.

Cue serious six year old confusion as she assesses the situation, mom rolls eyes.

Edit: Cue not Queue ueueueueueueue

Daughter reading a book about animals and sees a picture of a pig. Girl: Mom that pig is to dry, he needs some oinkment. Wife: You are your father's daughter. While I laughed proudly.

Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless.

Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom:

Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick.

Mom: why?

Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies

Mom groans, I give her a huge grin. My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said "I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor"

My family is notorious for bad puns, yesterday my wife and daughter, niece, parents were sitting having a nice bbq for lunch. My mom is telling us about how a friend of hers says that instead of cucumbers on your eyes for a facial, use mayonnaise on your face instead. To which I replied, "put some meat and lettuce and tomatoes on it also so you can have an open face sandwhich." The stunned look from my mom and howling from the rest of the table told me it was a new level of dad joke.

The episodes always start off with someone getting sick or injured, and during this particular intro, a mom was helping her daughter rock climb in a studio. The mom's hands became numb for whatever reason, and she subsequently let go of the rope, letting the kid fall.

My dad goes, "That's what happens when you're at the end of your rope."

A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, "look, he's napping in the tree."

At this point in the story I chime in, "Weekend at Birdie's!"

Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on. "It's a real shit show in here!"

My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. "What's this?" she asked.

Ever the dad, of course I answered, "It's a box..."

She rolled her eyes and said, "No, Dad, what's it from?" But it didn't end there.

She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day.

Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail "hint" in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying.

Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, "Here, read the sticker."

She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, "BOX, Made in China."

I said, "See? I was right." She threw the box at me.

We're out to dinner and a song comes on. Daughter: Mom, do you know this song. Wife: No, but it's Adele. Me: I thought it was a gateway. Groan and a pained face from the wife. I just smiled triumphantly.

I grew up in Northern California and have visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium a few times as a kid.

Every. Goddam. Time. My dad would pause in front of the jellyfish tank and say "You kids think these are cool, wait till you see the peanut butter fish. Maybe they will make you a sandwich."

So on saturday my mom and dad accompanied me and my family there for the first time in years. When we got to the jellyfish I was ready, and beat my dad to the punch. My three year old thought I was serious of course, but my five year old daughter is pretty sharp and she called me out.

My dad leaned down and congratulated her for not being duped. He then said "Let's go check out the tuna tank." My daughter got excited and said "They have TUNA?!"

Grinning, my dad said "Yes sweetheart, and just like at Red Lobster, you get to pick which one you want and they will make you a sandwich."

The old man has still got it.

SAH Mom as she's standing up: My legs hurt. I don't know if they'll support me. Daughter: How could they support you? They don't even have a job.

I've started teaching the kids to play chess. Mom makes several lame mom jokes about being the "queen" in the game and in life. Later as Mom is watching us play:

Mom: Don't move there. The queen will get you. Daughter: Is that a threat?

Dad "Actually your mom and I made that face"

My brother-in-law made that comment to his daughter earlier today

My mom was rambling on with a story at dinner and describing a friend's daughter's age.

Mom: "I don't know, maybe she was 8, 10?"

Dad: "Thats pretty tall for a little girl."

She just buried her face in her hands. I walked out.

So am kind of recently a father here. Father of an 8 month old daughter. And she's laying in bed with us and decides to crawl over and lay on my chest. So laying there with her for a minute and tell her mom "look I've got a baby blanket". To which she rolls over and goes heh...

Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.

The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?

The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"

Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"

Well done, sir.