I bought a microphone in England for a penny

I call it Mike Pence.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoopsMcWillie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Before I start, I need to see if this thing works.

"Everyone named Michael stand up." Assorted people stand up "And that concludes the mike check."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Teacher: Use the word oath in a sentence

Student: Mike Tyson eaths oaths for breakfasth every morning

Edit: made this up today, have merthy on my thoul

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/traceywashere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.

It was open Mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What has questionable principles and flies?

Mike pence during tonight’s debate.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m at my school talent show and this guy said...

β€œbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..” β€œif your name is Michael, please stand up”

then a couple of guys stand up and he goes

β€œthat concludes my mike check”

(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!) Click here for credit

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Is your name Michael? Yes or No?

Thank you for your participation.

I'm doing a Mike Check.

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...

It's an open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a 6 foot man named mike?

Mike.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NuclearTitian87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was super stoked at the surgeon ward party.

It was open Mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatogamer555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an electric oven that always gets dirty?

MikeRoweWave

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piratecheese13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two hot dogs are walking down the street

One suddenly turns to the other and says

"Mike! Your wiener is showing!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me..

Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Mike.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed.

It was open mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dasbett311
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuke_k9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know who's Thor?

Mike Tyson the morning after a good workout.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Good1_dude
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: Looks like you're having an headache.

Me: No, feels ok.

Wife: Are you sure?

Me: No, I'm Mike.

Wife: Yaaa I think you ARE having a headache.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flyontheroof
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks up to a microphone stand.

Man: would all the Mike's stand up please?

a few men stand up

Man: thank you, this concludes the Mike check

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Eerie and tasteless.

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Mother: What shall we name him?

Disclaimer, I am a mom, not a dad and my teenager gave me a dirty look when I told her this joke which I was very pleased to think up.


[Scene: Hospital Delivery Room.

Father holding his bundled newborn.

Mother of the child looking on lovingly from hospital bed.]


Mother: What shall we name him?

Father: His name is Mike.

(drops baby)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StcStasi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Son, it is time you hear the truth. Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny are not real. Mum and I bring you the gifts.

Son: I know Mum already told me. She also said that uncle Mike is the stork.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acbro3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Watching The Discovery Channel, I learned which garden organism has the dirtiest job...

The Mike Rowe organism.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œI love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.”

- Mike, 48, surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomredditor512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company.

One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows:

Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today?

John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deadboy98
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
No arms, no legs, all lame

My dad tells these old jokes all the time and acts like it's the first time we've ever heard them each time. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the lake? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under the car? Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the mail? Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the doorstep? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in stage? Mike And his personal favorite... What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs above the window? Curt n' Rod

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Mike: sorry I couldn’t make it, count me next time.

Me: 1,2, mike, 4...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Golden5StarMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
For some reason, my employees keep thinking I'm Mike Rowe.

They're always telling me to "stop Mike Rowe managing" them.

I don't even look like him.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tananar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I was excited to join the Autopsy Club

Wednesday’s are Open Mike Night.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Formaldefortress
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So excited for autopsy club!

It's open mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening.

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 347
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the most popular event at autopsy club?

Open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’d first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.

That concludes the mike check

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SZT2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club...

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

it was open Mike night

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/velvettriangles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A cut above

Everyone was so excited at the Autopsy club.....
It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited about the Autopsy Club meeting...

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateTumbleweed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited about the Autopsy Club meeting...

It was open open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateTumbleweed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Mike Rowe (Host of Dirty Jobs) cook most of his meals?

In his Mike-Rowe-Wave.

πŸ‘︎ 858
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/terribleivan22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.