I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. He took an Xray and told me I have a humerus fracture.
Personally, I didn't find it funny at all.
The art of being humerus
While walking through the art festival with the family, I was showing my kids how anything could be considered art when we came across plaster castings of animal head bones.
Without missing a beat, I pointed out: "I guess this would be called skulptures"
At least the artist laughed... when my youngest told me I wasn't funny
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
What did the humerus skull say to his son?
Without any legs, you can't skele-run from my skele-puns!
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What is the opposite of isolate?
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
My wife had an ultrasound yesterday and the tech pointed out where the Humerus was.
I looked at my wife and said, "Humorous, he is already funny".
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I wanted to get tickets to a comedy club until I found out they cost an arm and a leg.
When I found out why I’m glad I didn’t go - the show wasn’t that humerus and the staff was short handed.
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
What is the hairiest side of a gorilla?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
My wife said she is getting an x-ray of her humerus...
I told her that's not funny.
What's the best time of day on a clock?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What was the name of Robin Hood's Dad?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking..
But the invention of the broom really swept the nation
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
I took him to the bar and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He wants to be a web designer.
Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based off of the religious music of Scandinavia?
Since pirate jokes are all the rage… What is a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
Recently, I was asked "Which invention of the 20th century is the most remarkable?"
After a moment I replied, "Dry erase boards, certainly."
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
I wish my kid would listen to me when I tell him about the dangers of Russian Roulette
It goes in one ear and out the other.
Did you hear about the person who lost the entire left side of their body?
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?
Because they were holding an AA Meeting
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?
Toilet-trees
.....I'll show myself out
What did the cows say when they ran out of grass?
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