I want to tell a joke about cutting meat...

But I’m afraid I’ll butcher it.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a girl on tinder whose bio said she used to work at a meat packing plant and that she'd heard all the jokes before...

So I asked her out on a date for the weekend but to let me know by Friday if she had to can salami.

(Cancel on me)

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilipGlassEye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Well done jokes about meat are pretty rare
πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMortyestRick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I would make a joke about meat...

But I'm afraid that I might butcher it

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HanzoShotFirst
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I had a joke about meat substitutes

But it was too Quorny

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t like jokes about canned meat

They’re mostly spam

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARK_133
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I don’t know why everyone seem to have a problem with vegans.

I have never had a beef with one.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I make money by selling simple sandwiches

It's my bread and butter

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrZxAlan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Why do Cows wear the bells

Because their horns don't work. Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JNaik14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I want it that waaay..
πŸ‘︎ 946
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad meat-joked my mom

My parents were brainstorming dinner ideas. Dad asks my mom if she can make him a steak. Mom: "Yeah but it probably won't turn out well" Dad: "Good. I prefer medium rare"

I smiled and nodded in approval. Mom thought we were stupid.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brown_santa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Right back at ya buckaroo
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zector_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Dad joked my meat head roommate

"Dude I forgot my protein at home!"

"No whey"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Punned_It
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.

I have never had a beef with them.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a 6'5" butcher weigh?

Meat.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...

I'm sure I never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'….

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butt-270_Ham_227
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A vegan said to me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!”

I said, β€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian resturaunt.

I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketHatManReni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!

Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t!

Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fretlessbayouboy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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If two vegans get in an argument

is it still considered beef?

Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/artyboi37
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Why is Beef a bad password

It’s not stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RetireRateRat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How does Prince Harry's brother make his sandwiches?

With his willy ham

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Nobody laughed at my joke but I'm proud of it.

I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests.

Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill. But then again, it's a low stakes environment.

Everyone else: Crickets and blank stares

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marmelado
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

I have to duet alone.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I never tell jokes about food for example…

If I tell a joke about a banana peel I have a tendency to slip up and I butcher all the jokes about meat.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aceto1469
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend really changed when she became vegan

It's like I had never seen herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 914
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmarSB2001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with one.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
🚨︎ report
You can't fault kid logic

I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said how can he only be six if you're six?

He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.

But it's just not cutting it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derivedintegral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
What's the most respected cut of meat served at the world's finest restaurants?

Sirloin.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Snapchat for today

http://i.imgur.com/QTthp4v.png

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/6elephants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
🚨︎ report
What two words have the most letters together ?

Post office

Edit: wow thanks guys

πŸ‘︎ 532
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CURRY_MASTAH
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
🚨︎ report
420 Braise it
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kony07
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
GODDAMMIT.

So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow.

Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and

"HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD".

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Little-Chocolate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report
I would make a meat joke.

But it's over done.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them…

He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report

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