Meat Jokes Puns

But I’m afraid I’ll butcher it.

So I asked her out on a date for the weekend but to let me know by Friday if she had to can salami.

(Cancel on me)

http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com

But I'm afraid that I might butcher it

But it was too Quorny

They’re mostly spam

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

I have never had a beef with one.

It's my bread and butter

Because their horns don't work. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

My parents were brainstorming dinner ideas. Dad asks my mom if she can make him a steak. Mom: "Yeah but it probably won't turn out well" Dad: "Good. I prefer medium rare"

I smiled and nodded in approval. Mom thought we were stupid.

"Dude I forgot my protein at home!"

"No whey"

I have never had a beef with them.

Meat.

I'm sure I never met herbivore

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.

I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore.

Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t!

Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?

Meat Patty.

is it still considered beef?

Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done.

It’s not stroganoff

With his willy ham

I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests.

Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill. But then again, it's a low stakes environment.

Everyone else: Crickets and blank stares

I have to duet alone.

If I tell a joke about a banana peel I have a tendency to slip up and I butcher all the jokes about meat.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

It's like I had never seen herbivore

I’ve never had a beef with one.

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"

However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said how can he only be six if you're six?

He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"

But it's just not cutting it.

Sirloin.

It's like I never knew herbivore.

http://i.imgur.com/QTthp4v.png

Post office

Edit: wow thanks guys

So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow.

Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and

"HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD".

But it's over done.

He asked, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on! Not you too!”