My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
π︎ 256
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︎ Aug 08 2020
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, βHey, you missed a rightβ.
I said, βThanks babe. You MRS. right.β
π︎ 30
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︎ Sep 22 2020
the other night, my dad taught me his famous stew recipe. it went great, the only issue we had was with the herbs i wanted to use. he told me βyouβre wrong about the parsley...
but thatβs okay because youβre right on thymeβ
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 27 2020
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Mar 04 2020
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenβt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My daughter asked me to buy post it notes because we were out...
I told her to write it on a sticky note so I'd remember
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 07 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
My dad says to me,"Hey,let's go fishing! We'll take the canoe."
I told him,"It's actually pronounced"gnu."The "g" is silent!
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Whenever we go to a buffet, I always ask my wife to get my food for me.
I just can't help myself.
π︎ 13
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Donβt speak to me when weβre inside the sauna.
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 22 2020
My yacht passenger was rude to me when he gruffly asked "how will we embark upon our trip?"
So I told him to shove off.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 26k
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︎ Aug 04 2019
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival?
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 27 2020
My girlfriend and I were traveling thru Kentucky where we stayed at a lodge. She told me a humorous story out to the left of the wall of the building...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 16 2020
The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them. I thought she was joking.......
Then I saw her face, Now we're in Geneva.
π︎ 22
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︎ May 08 2020
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didnβt believe me, so she looked it up on grandmaβs phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, βThat doesnβt make cents.β
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 08 2020
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I donβt think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
π︎ 69
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︎ Feb 16 2020
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...
I'm sure I never met herbivore
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 29 2019
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, βIs it difficult to spot cheetahs?β
Me: No, I think they come that way.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 21 2019
So proud of my daughter! Weβre watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: βDog canβt hang because sheβs a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:
Donβt you mean a βFur-rariβ?
π︎ 18
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︎ May 09 2020
We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 08 2020
I was always bothered with the spelling of 'Wii' in Nintendo Wii. It felt like they were trying too hard to be cool and hip by spelling 'We' with two ii's. I don't know why but it just makes me cringe when corporations try to be edgy and relatable.
As for the console, it was aiight.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 22 2020
My wife asked me to make a recipe that called for thyme but we were out. I told her...
Ain't nobody go thyme for that
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 24 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 10 2018
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
π︎ 100
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︎ May 04 2019
My wife accused me of trying to win every argument we had...
So I told her why that was wrong.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 17 2020
My wife called and told me we have an ant infestation. She and asked me to bring home something good for the ants on my way home.
She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Me and my dad used to go out and trap together. I would put the bait in, and he would set them. Everytime i did, we got something.
I guess you could call me a master-baiter.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 13 2020
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, βI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?β
I said, βWhy would I want two empty glasses?β
π︎ 12k
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︎ Oct 16 2017
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 15 2019
One of the hosts of the View invited me to her home and we sat in her den. She then offered a pillow...
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 28 2019
After dad came back from his hunting trip we were eager to know what kind of meat was on our plates, so we asked him for a clue. Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
That's when my little sister screamed to me, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."
π︎ 26
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︎ Sep 14 2019
My wife likes to call me "your majesty" when we make love
Because I'm faux king awesome
π︎ 10
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︎ Jul 26 2019
All we need to make heat is create a little friction, I'll give you the fric- you give me the -tion
Frick, that's what I like to hear
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 14 2019
My daughters asked me when we were going to the upper level of the mall.
I told them we had choices. We could esca-now, or escalator.
π︎ 6
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︎ May 14 2019
Me: I think we are supposed to get rain from the south this week...
Wife: I thought I heard from the west.
My father: I'm pretty sure it comes from the sky.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 15 2019
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 30 2019
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 11 2018
Me, to the biker gang leader: I thought we were supposed to ride our bikes together at the same speed!
Biker gang leader: Yes, but for the love of God, Stop calling it βsynchronizing our cyclesβ.
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 27 2018
I told my dad I joke I came across on Reddit-. Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon. Me Why? He responded with:
As long. as it doesn't. give. you irregular. periods.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 17 2019
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, βYou are just staggering.β
π︎ 80
π
︎ Oct 04 2018
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, βIf you had to pick any date, what would it be?β
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 04 2019
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 16 2019
I asked me dad if we could go to the Middle East.
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 29 2018
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 05 2019
My dad came up to me and said, βyour mom and I have been married for so long, we are on our 4th bottle of bittersβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
The nurse called me and said, βUnder βmedical historyβ, we were hoping for something specific to you...β
You wrote down βFleming discovered penicillin in 1928.β
π︎ 20
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︎ Mar 14 2019
When I suggested to my wife we used a strap on, she was right behind me.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 23 2018
My religious mother asked me if the movie we were going to see had either (A) sex or (B) violence in it
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood. They threw me out and yelled "we don't want your type here!"
π︎ 251
π
︎ May 11 2017
We decided to keep it a secret that we were naming our daughter Grace, so no one but my wife me heard me say, "Hail Cheri, full of Grace"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 03 2019
A vegan girl came up to me and spoke as if we knew each other.
I had never met herbivore.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 03 2018
My girlfriend said to me that we need to be more spontaneous.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 15 2018
Me, talking to my dad: Are we just getting lightbulbs?
My dad: Yeah, we only have heavy bulbs.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 09 2018
My wife kept trying to convince me we go on a vacation to Thailand
In the end I said Phuket.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 23 2018
When the kidnapper said he'd never let me get Stockholm syndrome, I knew we were going to be best friends.
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 03 2018
Me, talking to my dad about babysitting my daughter: Great! Weβll drop her at about 10:30 on Saturday.
Dad: Donβt drop her! That might hurt.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 19 2018
My girlfriend complained to me that it's such a rare occurrence when we have steaks
I'll try to make it a medium rare occurrence next time.
π︎ 20
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︎ May 16 2017
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?"
When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
π︎ 122
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︎ Dec 31 2015
My girlfriendβs parents are very religious and the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we werenβt allowed to sleep together...
It was a bit of a shame...he was very attractive.
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 04 2018
My dad handed me and my love interest a bottle of vodka and said we needed to liquor up, I replied....
"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 10 2017
Yesterday, as I brought in the dogs from a potty break in our Minnesota backyard before we went to the grocery store, my wife asked me to reminder her to pick up some frozen peas. I told her..
..."The backyard is full of them, we don't need any more!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 18 2018
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 05 2017
Our aunt made a religiously-themed painting. After looking at it, my brother told me we're going to hell.
"We have seen the Aunty Christ."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 27 2018
Me: "We need to find a place for our daughter's birthday toys." Wife: "What about our wardrobe?"
Me: "No, that can stay where it is."
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 25 2017
This girl came up to me today and said I knew her from a vegetarian conference we attended...
I swear I never met herbivore.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 30 2017
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, my daughter mentioned to me that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. βItβs the early signs of typothermia.β
π︎ 21
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︎ Mar 16 2017
We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,
"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 25 2017
My dad, to me, as we're driving past a cemetery, "You know why all those people are buried in that cemetery on the east side of the road?"
Me: "No. Why?"
Dad: "Because they're dead."
π︎ 62
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︎ Sep 22 2013
My boss said to me "tomorrow we weigh the horses"
Me: Would they like curds too?
Boss: No, Sadie.... Weigh as in measure
Me: No way
I was surprised when he smiled and rolled his eyes instead of firing me.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jul 24 2015
A barperson just said to me 'we had a salsa night tonight, so we've closed off the back of the bar'
So I said 'makes sense. It must smell of tomatoes.'
She didn't laugh.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 30 2017
When I was a kid (in the 80s) we were really into mixtapes. My dad said he wanted to make one for me.
He vigorously shook a blank cassette tape and handed it to me.
π︎ 67
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︎ Nov 23 2014
I was at a lunch with the family and we were eating with plastic cutlery. Two of the prongs of my fork broke, my dad turns to me and says...
"Looks like your fork is now a twok"
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 08 2013
My sister told me to ask for ketchup while we were in the drive-throughβ¦
β¦ And I said "OK, but I don't think he's working today."
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 13 2016
Even when we'd go to church, he'd make me laugh
My dad conversing with my mother...
Dad: I hate wearing these stupid socks with all the holes in them.
Mom: Then why would you pick those socks?
Dad: I have to wear my "holy" socks to church.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 01 2013
Wife: "... that reminds me that I have to sew your pants when we get back"
Me: "Just let me know when you do so I can go ahead and reap them."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 16 2014
My deaf girlfriend just told me βI think we need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 38
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 593
π
︎ Sep 21 2019
My deaf wife just told me that βwe need to talk.β
That was not a good sign.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 18 2018
My deaf wife just told me that βwe need to talk.β
That was not a good sign.
π︎ 480
π
︎ Jun 17 2019
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 261
π
︎ Jul 26 2019
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 208
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 80
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
My deaf girlfriend just told me βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, βI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?β
I said, βWhy would I want two empty glasses?β
π︎ 97
π
︎ Jun 05 2018
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. βItβs the early signs of typothermia.β
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 03 2016
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