.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
Apparently it is private.
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.
Hey Dad, you ok?
Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.
"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldn’t know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and we’re too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
Never take quartz for granite.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Don’t ask meow.
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
“You herd me!"
It's that talk is cheep.
I told them it was fine, because I caught the fish in a lake.
Me: You've heard of Murphy's Law, right?
Mum: Yeah.
Me: What is it?
Mum: It's to do with bad luck.
Me: Cool, have you heard of Cole's Law?
Mum: No. What is it?
Me: It's thinly sliced cabbage
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
1
It’s elevator music
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
Unbereavable...
For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but he’s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said “It’s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.”
Dad replied, “Oh, that’s my favorite place to get breakfast.”
I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. 😐
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.
Four.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owlsays
Owlsays who?
Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says “did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”
Because people are dying to get in!
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
Ay poppy
My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"
I asked, 'Which is?'
'Exactly', he replied.
A lovely and inspiring man...makes shit cabinets though.
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Director: "you mean a choir?"
Me: exasperated sigh yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?
everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I love camping because I get to eat out every night
It was his vinyl resting place
Dad: Have I ever told you that story about my dad?
Me: Which one?
Dad: The only dad I have!
Frostbite!
It's that talk is cheep.
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
