I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

šŸ‘︎ 9k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/porichoygupto
šŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
šŸšØ︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iā€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, ā€œConstipationā€? Well it doesnā€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said ā€œNo, doc, itā€™s dis knee.ā€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donā€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatā€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canā€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donā€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canā€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iā€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightā€¦ 21.

My friend told me, ā€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!ā€ So I said, ā€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!ā€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondā€¦ ionic bond. ā€œTaken, not shared.ā€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaā€™s sleigh cost? $0, itā€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iā€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iā€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatā€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatā€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit āž”

šŸ‘︎ 33
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/kinjago
šŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Ā Abbott and Costello Ā routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Ā The skit ends with a simple ā€˜read my mindā€™ routine that takes Louā€™s last remaining bill. Ā This routine was done Ā many Ā times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canā€™t. I canā€™t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canā€™t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youā€™ll owe me 10 Ā 
Lou Costello: Ok, Iā€™ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatā€™s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatā€™s right. Ā [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donā€™t change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iā€™m not changing the subject; youā€™re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereā€™s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iā€™m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donā€™t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatā€™s the way you feel about it, thatā€™s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youā€™ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iā€™m not running in, youā€™re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canā€™t help it if you canā€™t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereā€™s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonā€™t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit āž”

šŸ‘︎ 3
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/tfraymond
šŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
šŸšØ︎ report
My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team ā€“ until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldnā€™t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you ā€¦or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? ā€¦Because if they flew over the bay, theyā€™d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? ā€¦Owlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit āž”

šŸ‘︎ 24
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/gwildcat
šŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
šŸšØ︎ report

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