A list of puns related to "Match Making"
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
Love means nothing to them
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
Then you’ll have a match...
I saw him picking up a quarter off the floor.
I said to him, "Is that where you keep all your quarters? That makes a lot of sense."
He says, "Yeah, 25 cents." then laughed for 5 minutes to himself, then kept laughing about it sporadically throughout the day.
Edit: I just wanna say thanks to my s/o /u/rainbowdongs for being so hilarious. <3 Happy anniversary! Love you!
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.
I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.
The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.
But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...
...and making the matching teacups!
The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left
Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!
To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
To many girls think the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
... keep reading on reddit ➡As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.
Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.
I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.
I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.
I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.
After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.
I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.
So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.
I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.
As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.
The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.
I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.
This joke has been told to me
... keep reading on reddit ➡The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:
"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers
"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers
If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.
EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!
I'm gonna make you go through the story before the payoff.
My mom asked me, "Do you have a match?" and then answered herself, "Yeah, your breath and my feet!" I looked at her quizzically and she explained that my dad used to say that when they were dating - either that or "Not since Superman." He used to say that there were "no new jokes, just new audiences."
So when my dad walks in, my mom asks him if he has a match.
What does he say?
"Not since Superman."
As Mom and I are cracking up, he says, "Well, I could have said 'your breath and my feet!'"
Mom tells him that she was telling me about how he used to say that to her, and what does he say?
"Well, you know, there are no new jokes. Just new audiences."
My dad's jokes are like a stopped clock. Infuriating, but at least you can count on them to never change.
So this week he chose to make cards for each word. He made two cards for each word and made a Memory game out of them.
We are playing memory and I find the word "Joke" on one paper. I look at my son and say "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" and start to rattle the paper in front of him.
Then when I found the matching card, I said "Hey, want to hear the other joke?"
I was explaining to my dad how I won a match in a pool tournament the night before...
I had to play against the best player in the house but he had hurt his back earlier that day so he couldn't even walk straight. He won the opening lag to earn the right to break. I jokingly asked him "are you sure you want to break with that back injury?" He broke anyways and didn't make anything. My teammate and I proceeded to run the whole table, including the eight ball, to win the game as underdogs. Afterward my teammate said to the pro, "Hey, didn't /u/DetroitLarry warn you not to break?" At which point my dad interrupts my story to say...
"Now that's just adding insult to injury!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same. Then you’ll have a match."
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
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