I have all the certificates to prove it.
"Off course it is"
It’s “battery” operated
As his apprentice, I once assisted him at an exhibition and managed to lose the cutting implement he uses to prepare the paper for folding. I can’t believe I lost The Rock’s Paper Scissors.
It wooden start
I guess you could say the steaks were high
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
The chess-nut.
When I finally had an accident at work, I was shocked.
Me: I had to run some errands today and the area I was in was so sketchy I thought I was going die.
Him: Well it's a good thing you weren't walking errands, or someone might've caught you.
I reckon after 2000 you become cheese bored.
My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.
We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".
I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.
Because there is no try, only do, or do not.
We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:
"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"
Smooth Dad, real smooth.....
While at a tailor's,
"How long do you want the cuffs?"
"Well at least for as long as I have the pants."
I've got a great sensei of humor.
He always said "Ven you vant to do something, zen go and do it!"
Master Cylinder
Boy, were they Sorry.
Saw this card in the store the other day and thought it'd be the perfect thing for him!
Dev: "He seems nice."
Grandma Carol: "I don't like him. He steals our phone chargers."
Dev: "I don't think thats really a profitable racket... "
Grandma Carol: it's not about the money; it's about the power!
Then they draw.
http://i.imgur.com/Ja0SGEU.png
I wasn't feeling well and I suspected some intestinal blockage to be the culprit. Naturally, I made an appointment with my doctor. I'm in the treatment room waiting when he comes in.
Doc: Not feeling well huh? What do you think it is?
Me: I'm not sure but I've had weird bowel movements I think it's blockage
Doc: I don't believe you
Me: wut
Doc: you're lying to me
Me: no seriously doc I'm blocked up here
Doc: I know, you're full of shit
It was winter and Dad was riding home with a girl right after their first date.
Girl: Man it's FREEZING! Here, feel the steering wheel. Dad (touches it): Your hands did that to the steering wheel?!
The other day I am hanging at my GF's Grandparent's home when all of a sudden her grandpa takes a bunch of tape from their tape dispenser and just puts it on to his ear. Obviously very confused my GF goes "Grandpa what are you doing?" to which he responds "Oh, just listening to my tape"
Me: I would love to have a dog as a ring bearer it would be so cute!
Dad: A dog as a ring bearer?? Psh! That sounds impawsible!!
He always manages to get me somehow..
