What day does a soldier hate?

March 4^th !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The tree hated losing his foliage in September.

When it grew back in March, he was so relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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End of February...

We March on!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_PunGent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Thong-Song
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the one month all soldiers hate?

March!

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KermitDFwog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Think I'm giving Halloween a miss this year...

After all, I've been munching sweeta and wearing a mask since March.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"

Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkKray35
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best month to have a parade?

March

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nateosis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
People keep saying today is Pi day

But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.

E: wow this blew up, number #2 all time on dad jokes! Thanks for all the metal, can't wait to make it rain on other redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 42k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonymousamish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked a friend when's her birthday. She told me: 'March 1st'.

So I started marching and asked her again.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wendru
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?

March fourth!

(I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jennchow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was trying to ask my friend when her birthday was and she kept forcing me to walk around the room

Every time I ask, she tells me to march first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroracerUK
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the general say to their troops?

March 4th

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kevballs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is soldiers day

Because it's march forth

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiberN8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Be sure to get plenty of sleep tonight!

Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dani_dejong
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't forget to watch the big parade tomorrow!

The calendars are going to March...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Beware the regicides of March

*When it's Pi Day and the ides of March are tomorrow*

Brutus: We've got a man to cons-pi-re against

Cassius: I can't wait for tomorrow. It's such a never-ending day.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Tommy Wiseau favourite month?

Oh Hi March

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkies3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she was reading a banned book

I asked if it was about marching or jazz

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eclectic211
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently bought a tripod for my camera

When I got home, I noticed the tripod only had two legs, so I marched back to the shop and shouted: "This will not stand!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xenevi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that on this day during the American Civil War, armies on both sides skipped breakfast?

They had to March first.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneSidedDice
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a whole book of 365 jokes, one for each day of the year. Here are some of the ones I dont cringe at:
  1.    Why do prisoners hate computers?
    

The escape key never works.

  1.   How do trees get on the internet? 
    

They log in.

  1.  Knock knock.
    

Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game

  1. How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.

  2. Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.

  3. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

  4. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

  5. Can February March? No but April may.

  6. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.

[Insert minion meme]

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YepBackAtIt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

πŸ‘︎ 981
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat_attack_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
People keep saying today is pi day

But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?

they just finished a 31 day March.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaimesGotAGun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

They just went through a grueling 31 day March.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/million_monkeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't think I've even been more tired than i am today.

I just finished a 31 day march.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/und88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why were the soldiers so tired on April 1st?

They just got done with a 31 day March!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/getswole717
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone rest up today.

Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is the only day of the year, where the day tells you what to do

March fourth

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devilspawn421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight

Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!

πŸ‘︎ 446
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How many seconds are in a year?

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why am I always so tired on 1st April ...

... because I’ve just endured a 31 day March

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Can February March?

Can February March? No, but April May.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJRedbeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Which day of the year commands you to do something?

March Fourth

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/necramencer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31 day march.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhummmmmm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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