At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"

"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2022
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"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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When I was younger I wanted wanted to play in an orchestra like my hero Yo-Yo Ma.

It wasn't that I admired him really. To be honest his skill level made me feel a little cellist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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One time I caused a massive cold outbreak in school when I lived in MA

I made Massachusetts live up to its name.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coconutcrackin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My dad and I were talking about what we got my ma for Christmas..

Me: "I got her bath salt for the tub"

Dad: "Oh you got her bath salt? Good, that will go nicely with the bath pepper I got her"

I started to say "what's bath pepper" but stopped myself and just started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chornu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2014
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A woman walks into a library...

She goes up to the librarian and asks "Hey, can I have a ham sandwich?"

The librarian replies "Ma'am, this is a library..."

She replies "Oh..."

Then she whispers "can i have a ham sandwich?"

My little sister's joke. Cracks me up everytim.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Young_Ian
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2022
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A 90 yo confused patient of mine…

Me: ok ma’am. I’m going to start an IV and draw some blood now. Her: well I hope you’re drawing it with a crayon! Me: Nope. It’s a sharpie.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheez_Ina_pan
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

β€œDriver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

β€œYou know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

β€œOh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, β€œOh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVeterano_007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
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My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Ocean humor is easy to sea

I just came up with joke and thought I would test the waters:

Aquaman has been ruling Atlantis for a number of years and finally finds himself bored with the straight and narrow path. He decides he'll commit a crime to shake things up a bit and enlists the help of one of his sea creature friends to be his getaway.

Although his crime is fairly minor, he's still caught and taken to jail. His wife comes to bail him out and asks the officer what he actually did.

"He was illegally parked, ma'am," the officer replies.

"Seriously? Why didn't you just ticket him?"

"That wasn't the issue. The problem was that he did it on porpoise."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wazowskiwithonei
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie... ... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''

,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.

,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''

The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2021
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit...

...walked into a blood donation clinic.

The nurse asks the priest "What is your blood type?", and he answers "It's type A, ma'am."

Then the nurse asks the pastor "What is your blood type?", to which he answers the same as the priest.

Finally the nurse asks the rabbit "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" says the rabbit.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alx941126
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
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My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma called the doctor, and the doctor said: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma called the doctor, and the doctor said: "Ma'am, I am a mandatory reporter..."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NuncErgoFacite
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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The Queen is in the bath and she farts.

A moment later her butler, Waddle, walks into the bathroom and hands her a bottle of water.

The Queen is shocked. 'How dare you walk in here while I am having a bath?!' she rages.

'I apologise ma'am,' says the butler, 'but I could have sworn I heard you say "what about a water bottle Waddle'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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What did the transgender dolphin say to the curious fish?

I’m Ma’am All.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hombredelgato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2021
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Hey Dad, what is that black sticky stuff in the small jars called?

I don't know son, but your ma might.

Stolen from: Dad Jokes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?

I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Went on a trek on time..

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the reply I got was β€œIt’s Ma’s Soup Y’all.” I shrugged my shoulders and started to eat. The food was good of course but the meat was quite gamey. So I asked what type of meat it was?

β€˜Possum.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Just talked to an old friend the other day

He was saying he was going to visit his parents. I asked why he needed to drive to Boston and Philly and he said β€œTo see MA and PA.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lxlic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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What did the yoga instructor say when he was asked to leave the building?

Nah I’ma stay.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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A woman calls her husband's doctor...

A woman calls her husband's doctor. Β "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:

I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepeR2086
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My dad just used this pickup line on my mom at breakfast: "Hey Babe..... do you have an inhaler?"

".....cuz you got dat assssss, ma!"

I spit out my cornflakes and ironically was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
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My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave

But I told her β€œNah ma, stay”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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What did the redditor say to his mother while waiting for her to get the automobile out of the garage?

Get the kar-ma!

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bijan_T
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Me Dad got me with this one at dinner...

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oi-FatBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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I'm a police officer/dad and I got some lady last night...

I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open...cat litter goes everywhere.

Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, "Ma'am, there's no littering here." She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one. She couldn't stop laughing the entire time.

πŸ‘︎ 310
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluedit5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Got my GF the night she met my parents

My ma was making a handmade pizza and was working the dough while my gf and I watched. I told my ma I wanted to help....

Gf says "oh so you know how to cook?"

As I grab the dough and start working it "I just want to feel kneeded"

Eyes rolled right outta the room

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PandaCasserole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
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A blonde woman walks past a store window....

A blonde woman walks past a store window. She sees a sign that says "we do not sell to blondes" in the window, but goes in anyways.

She finds an employee and points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But the employee says "sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes."

She decides to go home and try again the next day. She dyes her hair and puts on different clothes. She walks in, finds an employee, points at a TV and says "I want that TV!". But again, the employee says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes."

The woman is now very angry. She goes home to try a third time. She cuts her hair, dyed it again, puts on makeup and new clothes, and tries again the next day.

She walks in and finds another employee, points at the TV, and says "I want that TV!". But for a third time, the employee says "ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes."

At this point the woman is furious. She exclaims, "How did you know I was I blonde?"

The employee calmly answers, "Ma'am, that's a microwave."

((My dad told me this one.))

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsaFrozen2013
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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I lost my fortune cookie for the sake of a dad joke

I was out to lunch with a few colleagues at a local Chinese buffet. The way seating is laid out, we four were seated at a long table with a couple on either end of us. The couple to my left received their fortune cookies and the lady cracked hers open. I heard her disappointment as she told her husband in anguish "There's no fortune in mine! My fortune cookie has no fortune!"

I looked at her and said "Ma'am, that's unfortunate." All my colleagues collectively sighed, and my buddy across the table from me said "You know what scrovak, that was so bad, she gets your cookie now."

The lady was delighted both at the joke and the new cookie.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrovak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Little Johnny oldie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowhlr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Newegg customer service rep reminded me that there was a brief survey at the end of the call.

I responded, "Sorry ma'am, I only wear boxers."

after a long sigh "Very well sir.. have a good day."

πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juggy_Brohdletine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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After our meal the waitress asked β€œWould you like to go tea’s”...

No ma’am, I have a full beard and my wife prefers not having facial hair.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeTuco
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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