What's red, black and terrifies women?

Me, in my lucky red and black cape.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.

I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"

This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlitterCritter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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My dad just came into my room and said:

"We're lucky it didn't snow." "Why?" I asked "Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackSW90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Someone threw a can of soda at me!

Lucky it was a soft drink πŸ€ͺ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!

He asked if I wanted decking... Lucky I got the first punch in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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What's the difference between a tombola and an instagramer's pose?

One's a lucky dip and the other is a ducky lip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stokokopops
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Congratulations to user Mrspeedemon!

Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt

I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aereau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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Back in 1993, I inherited a small fortune from my grandfather.

It said "A window of opportunity won't open by itself." The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyID
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can

Lucky it was a soft drink

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheTrashPanda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Every time someone grones at a pun...

... tell them its their punishment and their lucky to not be put in the pungen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paerpie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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The Earth is compose of 75% of water.

You're lucky you are not born in 25% of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mugen000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serb2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Somebody just threw a massive bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me

I only have super fish oil injuries and I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackjones50
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
  • Kroger

  • Wal-Mart

  • Lucky's

  • Whole Foods

  • Winn Dixie

etc, etc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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a casino was offering free mexican food for all who lost more than $50 in gambling

this is because its clearly nacho lucky day if you lost that much

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magna-terra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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Old guy 1: My wife’s an angel!

Old guy 2: You’re lucky mine’s still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.

I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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Posting on Reddit is like dating in college.

Occasionally you get lucky, but most of the time it’s terrible for your self esteem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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My son said he was having a problem with his contacts

Lucky for him, I had the solution

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunter_smith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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The other day my friend told me his wife has driven him to drink

He’s the lucky one, mine still makes me walk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkibizness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…

...which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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I got my family good with a rare bed size joke

My wife and I own a king size bed. My wife, my two children (a 5 year old boy and 8 month old boy) were playing on the bed.

Me: Lucky we have a king size bed. Can you imagine all of us on a twin? My wife: I know right. Me: I imagine his brother would be angry and tell us to get off his twin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearDrivingCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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Can ex-wives be dads?

I texted my ex-wife this morning.

Me: The kids are watching 101 Dalmatians and I just noticed Lucky has a horseshoe on his back.

Ex: Yup, always has!

Me: I never noticed and I've seen this 100 times.

Ex: 100 or 101?

Me: Booooo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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Some dude stole my IDs.

I hope they catch the iot.

If I ever see him again, he’d better have a first a kit nearby for himself. Well, I’m lucky the bastard didn’t get my k.

(OK, I’ll see myself out.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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A man walks into a prosthetic store and attempts to rob it.

Lucky for him, everyone inside was unarmed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_wilson3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2016
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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If you camp out for Black Friday deals on jeans...

...you're up all night to get Lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Dadjokes in the bathroom

When I walk into a bathroom and all the stalls are occupied, I make sure to say out loud "Full house beats a flush!"

If I'm lucky I can get a muted chuckle from one of the stalls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/avelertimetr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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My wife groaned so hard at this one...

I walked up to my wife and said:

"I knew a girl named Kathleen Lucky who married a Chinese man that won the lottery while they were on honeymoon.

When she came back and I saw her I said, Kathleen Lucky-Yiu!"

(Lucky is a known last name where I live, so there may be some cultural context with this one)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oyohval
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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So you going out?

We were doing some Sunday chores and my wife asked me:

Wife: Do you know where the broom is? Me: Why, you going out? Wife: Corner smile, eyes rolling...slight cackle and evil look. I'm lucky, she usual appreciates my "Dad humor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levelologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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My friends and I got off a cruise...

My friends and I just got off our cruise ship after a week long cruise. There were 2 lines to get through customs and are ended up moving a lot faster so I leaned over and said "Looks like we got lucky and got the line thats really cruising." I dont think wel be going on vacation together again.

Source: real story...am a dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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I drew it perfectly

I'm a teacher and I love to dadjoke my students. You guys are really amazing.

So I'm teaching economics and we deal with a lot of tables and the like.

I show them the table, point at it and tell them to "draw this table" then I point at a chair and say "then draw this chair" (and they give me the look of pure success).

I got them many times. Today I was lucky to catch it on video. I posted it to Twitter if you'd like to see it (and hear the 5 on the sighsmograph)

https://twitter.com/JoAngryTeacher/status/847162266856439808?s=09

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Nice

My friend told me about his holidays in France today. He was lucky that he wasn't in France when the terrorist attacks happened. I replied: "Nice!" I thought it was pretty funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeBindi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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What did Dracula say to the Ghost?

You're lucky you're dead, I can't get rid of this coughfin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mustachereviews
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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Got my gf earlier tonight

Laying in bed with the girlfriend.

Her: You're stupid.

Me: That's mean. You're lucky I like you so much, or else I wouldn't stand for that. But right now, I'm gonna take it lying down.

I don't know why she's still with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erebus495
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Had to share this one

In a conversation about Louisiana barbecue ... GF: I take meat very seriously! Me: Is that because there's a lot at stake?

Very lucky to not get kicked out of the car then and there XD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesorehead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Pulled off an oldie but a goodie!

Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...

"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"

"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"

"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"

I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purgid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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Got my workmates a while ago. Still chuckle about it to myself occasionally

I work for an organisation which has a very institutionalised system whereby the newest hires are the shit kickers and the people who have been there longest have it easiest. I knew it when I signed up and now I've done my time and moved up the totem pole a bit. I was lucky enough to be one of 10 people hired at the same time in this hiring period and so the shit was spread out a bit.

We have a small fleet of cars that need to be washed every Sunday. This is the newest hire's responsibility. About 2-3 months into the job I was washing the cars with a few of my other new colleagues. Our supervisor pokes his head out of the building and barks at us "Make sure you do a good job; don't forget to do the wheels!"

"Don't worry boss," I replied, "I'll do a wheelie good job!"

Have you ever heard a chorus of groans? I have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_saladfingers_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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So I fell off a 30ft ladder today...

Lucky it was the first step.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vegan_peace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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Dad joked all over My gf last night

We were sitting outside on our balcony.

Her: hey will you switch spots with me? I like the view from your chair better.

Me: fine. You're lucky I'm a stand up guy though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizenedwallaby
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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My dad pulled into a funeral home in order to turn around and says this

>You know, we're lucky we're able to pull in here, people are just dying to get in here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptTin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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Kenny Loggins.

It was subtle, and you'll need to know some 80s trivia. It was really bad, but I also think it was pretty clever.

I was driving to Dave and Buster's with my dad, his girlfriend, and my younger siblings when "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins came on the radio.

Dad: "Is this Kenny Loggins? It sounds like him."

Dad's GF: "Yeah, I remember this song. It was before he got big."

Dad: "Ah. He's pretty lucky he cut Footloose, then."

Brother: "What's Footloose?"

Dad's GF: "It was a movie that came out when-"

Me: "Wait... Dammit, Dad."

Dad's GF: "What? ... Oh, God. Really, Chris? Really?"

He spent the rest of the 45 minute ride giggling like a schoolgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Spotted two old women wearing American Flag fleece jackets.

Told my boss that we were lucky to be in the presence of not one, but two versions of Old Gloria.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oxfordsandtea
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Grandpa's response to sister complaining about her period (he had a coma)

"You're lucky. I asked for a period, but instead they gave me a comma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tickmoney
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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My dad couldn't help himself

Little Brother: Daddy, Mrs. Ham needs you to sign this so I can go on the field trip.

Dad: Mrs. Ham huh?

LB: Yeah, it's due on Friday.

Dad: Alright then but tell her she's lucky I don't eat pork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bladeshade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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I found a bump on my testicle the other day, so I went to my doctor.

He said it was a normal part of my anatomy, and that there's a vas deferens between that and a tumor. Lucky me, right?

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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My first attempt at April fools with my daughter.

She always wants lucky charms before school. I'll give her lucky charms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knowakennedy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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Sometimes when I go to pick up chicks I use a fake name: Paul Knight

So that I can say I'm a Paul Knight to get lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mintroot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Dads raffle cracker

So at a dance concert yesterday and they were doing a raffle. I bought 5 tickets and my sister across the table wrote my name on them. As she was passing them across to me, one feel in the dip on the table. Dad looks over and says "guess you got the lucky dip". Just terrible father.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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This is our lucky day!

Today my dad and I went to a tech store, where we bought a TV. The checkout assistant gave us a receipt we had to deliver to the tech store's warehouse on the other side of the road. My dad and I walked into the warehouse and went to stand in the line. A couple of minutes later, it was our turn to get service. We gave them the receipt, and then they came out with the TV. My dad then started saying: "This is our lucky day. I can't believe how clumsy people can be. Dropping a receipt to such an expensive TV to the floor." The people in the queue gave us some weird looks. When we came out of the store my dad started laughing. I got to admit, though. I thought it was pretty funny as well.

Some times dadjokes can be funny...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/korzika
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Dad dropped this bomb at dinner

My mom, sister, and myself are all blonde with blue eyes, but my dad has black hair and green eyes. While discussing our coloring he dropped this on us. My mom-"you're so lucky. With your coloring you can wear nice oranges when we can't." My Dad-"Wouldn't oranges be awful heavy as clothing?" My mom-"just stop."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tearsinmyweave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Cereal Joker

As a little background, my wife and I traveled to michigan for a family reunion. While packing, my wife packed a 'bag of tricks' meaning a bag of toys for our 5 month old baby. Today she is taking a day trip with the baby to visit one of her friends. She is getting ready to go, bring extra clothes and such, and mentioned to me "I wont be able to bring the bag of tricks." I replied "Well maybe you should just bring some lucky charms."

I love being a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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Playing cards with my friend and his dad...

Upon getting lucky with a bad play in a card game one of my friends exclaimed "Am I smart or what?" His dad playing the same table responded "What."
"Am I smart or what?"
"I heard you the first time, that wasn't a question, it was an answer; what." He couldn't help smiling as he delivered the line to collective groans around the table and me cracking up because my friends old man was completely right, his son misplayed and got lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techniforus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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Road Rage

IΒ΄m not really sure if this fits here, but itΒ΄s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donΒ΄t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "ThatΒ΄s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. IΒ΄m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heΒ΄s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"YouΒ΄re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnΒ΄t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. ItΒ΄s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnΒ΄t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnΒ΄t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnakFlak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Programmer Dad

Dad: What do you think you're going to get in your programming class? Me: I dunno, C, C+ if I'm lucky. Dad: You should get a C++. walks away laughing to himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0beseninja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Eating Chinese food.

After we finished our meal, dad grabs a fortune cookie and proclaims "It's gonna be my lucky day! My fortune is going to be the winning lottery numbers!" opens cookie -life is a tragedy...-

Laughter ensues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlkalineThrone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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A man walks into a bar

Lucky bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikoklis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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A guy walks into a bar ...

Lucky bastard!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lethalhedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yea_I_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juggernaut245
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Some guy in the street threw a soda can at me.

I was lucky it was a soft drink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manthedan7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink...

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Mish_Mash
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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