I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?

he was lucky it was a soft drink

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenman2359
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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The jewel theft was caught and sent to prism.

Lucky for him, it was a light sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ITlearnme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Just some puns

1: I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea. 2: Can February March? No, but April May. 3: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 4: Never trust an atom, they make up everything! 5: Β I made a pun about the wind but it blows. 6: I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! 7: What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee! 8: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink! 9: I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricardo_my_man
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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What kind of spells do leprechauns use?

Lucky Charms.

Happy St Patrick's Day everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I’ll never forget the day I saw the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.

The dude thought it was funny to copy my every move, he’s lucky there was a pane of glass between us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Wife (serious question): What is the difference between a date and a prune?

Me: one you get lucky and the other you don't.

She was mad enough to leave the room...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moar-coffee-plz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A man walk into a bar.....*

Lucky bastard.

*This joke brought to you by the year 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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An actual dad joke, from my dad

Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueUnit7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.

I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"

This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlitterCritter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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My dad just came into my room and said:

"We're lucky it didn't snow." "Why?" I asked "Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackSW90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What's red, black and terrifies women?

Me, in my lucky red and black cape.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!

He asked if I wanted decking... Lucky I got the first punch in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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What's the difference between a tombola and an instagramer's pose?

One's a lucky dip and the other is a ducky lip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stokokopops
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Congratulations to user Mrspeedemon!

Let Mr. PeeDemon know he's a lucky man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Back in 1993, I inherited a small fortune from my grandfather.

It said "A window of opportunity won't open by itself." The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyID
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt

I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aereau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?

After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serb2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Every time someone grones at a pun...

... tell them its their punishment and their lucky to not be put in the pungen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paerpie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
  • Kroger

  • Wal-Mart

  • Lucky's

  • Whole Foods

  • Winn Dixie

etc, etc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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Somebody just threw a massive bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me

I only have super fish oil injuries and I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackjones50
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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a casino was offering free mexican food for all who lost more than $50 in gambling

this is because its clearly nacho lucky day if you lost that much

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magna-terra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.

I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHRRT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Old guy 1: My wife’s an angel!

Old guy 2: You’re lucky mine’s still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Posting on Reddit is like dating in college.

Occasionally you get lucky, but most of the time it’s terrible for your self esteem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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My son said he was having a problem with his contacts

Lucky for him, I had the solution

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunter_smith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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The other day my friend told me his wife has driven him to drink

He’s the lucky one, mine still makes me walk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkibizness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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Can ex-wives be dads?

I texted my ex-wife this morning.

Me: The kids are watching 101 Dalmatians and I just noticed Lucky has a horseshoe on his back.

Ex: Yup, always has!

Me: I never noticed and I've seen this 100 times.

Ex: 100 or 101?

Me: Booooo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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I was assaulted with a can of soda

I'm lucky it was just a soft drink

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiva8512
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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A man walks into a bar

Lucky bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikoklis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Someone threw a can of soda at me!

Lucky it was a soft drink πŸ€ͺ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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A guy walks into a bar ...

Lucky bastard!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yea_I_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lethalhedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juggernaut245
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Some guy in the street threw a soda can at me.

I was lucky it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manthedan7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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