That’s a moray
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whicky1978
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 782
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...

...talking to the wine."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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What do you call a bee that cannot make up its mind?

A maybe....

Courtesy of my 5 y/o daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronmsilverman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Air-vrything.

I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.

He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.

Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.

I said, β€œNo, only for the next couple of hours.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Valentines Day 2020 - "There's love in the air"

me: well no, its got nitrogen, oxygen and a spot of COVID

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Iamonthemoonandthereisnoplacetogetabeer.

Youmightsaythereisnospacebar.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenIISD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Nice, CA.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsjaboilarry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.

Now I’m just dating myself

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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How was your camping trip?

Mine was in-tentsπŸ˜‚

I have loved this joke since the day I heard it and I have lots more like it. I am a sucker for dad jokes and puns.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackgroundCow8631
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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The founder of modern study.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I love it when the earth turns! It just really makes my day.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonBlazer27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do kids these days love the song My Own Worst Enemy?

It’s Lit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spenpenn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day

β€œReally?” the coworker asks. β€œWhat showed you she really loved you?”

β€œShe was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. β€œLike when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, β€˜My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sardonicuis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnr_jinx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Ants are cool
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolpopicl-5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do news editors love watching Happy Days?

They’re big fans of the fonts.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dungeons and Dragons looks like a lot of fun. I'd love to try it some day.

I guess I consider myself die-curious

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMGodAMAA
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Today my wife said "I would love to go to the south of France one day"

I said that would be Nice

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaceman_spiff19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I wish I lived in the days of Stagecoaches. I would have loved to have the job riding shotgun..

And bragging to all my friends that I am a Mail Escort.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I love it when my kids don't get the joke until the next day...

Hear today, groan tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 680
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Naught
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Training for dad level jokes.

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackybeau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❀️
πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AggieatLSU
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't you love it when it's a hot summer day and you take a drink of water? Your mouth feels like it's finally reach salvation.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masonlevyofficial
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.

It will be a sadder day.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a bunch of books fall on me

I only have my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheezeturds
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you πŸ’–

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xcixjames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is always complaining she has been waiting for the day that i will love her 24/7

I just told her that day has finally come.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0dfarter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something

Nearly headless nick was a very poorly executed character

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphabetakoopa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I love my sun, he really brightens my day
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long, hard day’s worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows.

They’re all pretty brainless.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uzersk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One day, Dracula gives his son β€œthe talk”. He tells him, β€œson, when two monsters love each other very much...” The son interrupts him and says...

β€œThey Mash!” β€œYes son! They do the monster mash”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andyh10s
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
"I would love to be a millionaire one day,' said my son.

So I asked him: "Why not longer?"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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