He was measuring my patience
I'll never forget it
My kid
Seriously, give me back my thumbs
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
Daughter: Dad im gonna call 911.
Me: why?
Daughter: Youre going to Kill time.
But I'm not mad. He'll drop an album or two and Kanye will be back in 4 years.
Pasta La Pizza Baby!
She said: “Not tonight. Period.”
I told him,"It's actually pronounced"gnu."The "g" is silent!
shoulder this bird, hun.
But it was for the grater good
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
Debt collectors are the worst.
That would be a missed steak.
I feel Victorian.
Husband: No let's not, I feel baroque.
An InVestedGator
No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".
I hope you have a nice day!
P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
He had the right to bear arms.
Hilfiger it out.
She had an excuse but it seemed fabricated.
“Good bi-son”
From an email my cousin sent me:
I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.
I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.
The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.
A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.
Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.
Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.
To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.
If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.
Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.
Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.
If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.
A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.
Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.
...I just couldn’t cut it 🤨
Son: Hiking?
Dad: I'm not king, I'm dad.
I was told I wasn't putting in enough shifts
I told her to just let it go
I’ll be sure to remind her to always let the Man-go.
An InVESTed Gator
...Hilfiger it out"
