Late Show Puns

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

He was afraid he’d get the cold shoulder.

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

It's a bout time.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

I told him "It was about thyme."

Me: I just found it, and it's great. Now everything you say will be my fodder.

Dad: I'm already your fodder. And over there, [pointing to my mom] that's your mudder.

He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming

He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"

I got played.

EDIT: Wording fix

Late at night is a terrible time to show succulent steak and shrimp advertisements, especially when you are on a diet. As one came on the TV, I swiftly turned it off.

“What are you doing?!” My wife asked.

“We shouldn’t watch that. It’s prawn-ography.”

😏

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

As a new(ish) dad I feel it's my duty to really bring all the dad jokes to the yard. Lately it's been coming a bit more naturally.

The Girlfriend and I were sitting on the couch and she was talking about how much she loved all the prizes and gifts that Ellen is always giving out on her show.

My response: "I heard she is going to stop giving things away, so she's changing her name to Ellen Deselfish."

Not a dad yet, but:

I've been working on fixing my god-awful penmanship lately, so I'll spend quite a long time writing the alphabet, transcribing tv show lines, or just page after page of single letters.

The other night, I had about half a page of capital B's done. My wife looks at it and asks what I'm doing. I reply, "Oh, just writing a letter."

She pretended she didn't hear it and just carried on with what she was doing. :(

Whenever there were ice cream sundaes dessert menu and it was a cute waitress, when asked to choose, Dad would say, "Show us your knickerbockers!"

I've tried this now I'm an old dad but I'm just 40 years too late.

My girlfriend and I are in bed watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert eating red liquorice. I asked for one and she tosses one to me. I bite into it and with a grin on my face I raise the liquorice to my ear.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" I grin excitedly.

She turns and glares at me.

"I heard it through the Red Vine!"

She starts to reluctantly chuckle which turns to her laughing and then her beating me with a pillow. While she is doing this, Amy Schumer made a funny joke that made Colbert laugh. "You made me miss a funny joke!"

"What do you mean? You just heard one!"

I'm a pianist in a jazz band. Today, our drummer was running late. A bit into the rehearsal, he runs in and the band stops playing.

Drummer: sorry I'm late... what are we playing? Leader: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Drummer: well, that's an awfully nice thing for you to say to someone who just showed up late to your rehearsal, thanks!

The cold shoulder.

The cold shoulder.

The cold shoulder

They gave him the cold shoulder

Cold shoulder.

A cold shoulder

Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000

All of the seats were already taken.

the cold shoulder

They gave him the cold shoulder.

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

they gave him the cold shoulder.

The Door guy showed up late. He always likes to make an entrance

What happened when the cannibal showed up late to a dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder.