My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Why didn’t the cannibal show up late for dinner?

He was afraid he’d get the cold shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Star-Commander-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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I threw a party tor all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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What did the ref say when the boxers showed up late to the match?

It's a bout time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brzostek
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A good friend of mine, who is a father, sent me an original joke of his creation today, an I wanted to share it because it was pretty good

He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming

He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"

I got played.

EDIT: Wording fix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soljakwinever
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Steak and Shrimp

Late at night is a terrible time to show succulent steak and shrimp advertisements, especially when you are on a diet. As one came on the TV, I swiftly turned it off.

β€œWhat are you doing?!” My wife asked.

β€œWe shouldn’t watch that. It’s prawn-ography.”

😏

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coastin32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Banished to the couch for having soul

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azuya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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I'm still chortling about this one a month later.

As a new(ish) dad I feel it's my duty to really bring all the dad jokes to the yard. Lately it's been coming a bit more naturally.

The Girlfriend and I were sitting on the couch and she was talking about how much she loved all the prizes and gifts that Ellen is always giving out on her show.

My response: "I heard she is going to stop giving things away, so she's changing her name to Ellen Deselfish."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/suicidal_smrtcar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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My wife doesn't even hear my jokes anymore...

Not a dad yet, but:

I've been working on fixing my god-awful penmanship lately, so I'll spend quite a long time writing the alphabet, transcribing tv show lines, or just page after page of single letters.

The other night, I had about half a page of capital B's done. My wife looks at it and asks what I'm doing. I reply, "Oh, just writing a letter."

She pretended she didn't hear it and just carried on with what she was doing. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rootyb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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Got my GF while watching Colbert

My girlfriend and I are in bed watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert eating red liquorice. I asked for one and she tosses one to me. I bite into it and with a grin on my face I raise the liquorice to my ear.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" I grin excitedly.

She turns and glares at me.

"I heard it through the Red Vine!"

She starts to reluctantly chuckle which turns to her laughing and then her beating me with a pillow. While she is doing this, Amy Schumer made a funny joke that made Colbert laugh. "You made me miss a funny joke!"

"What do you mean? You just heard one!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nbolek71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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Christmas Dad-joke

I'm a pianist in a jazz band. Today, our drummer was running late. A bit into the rehearsal, he runs in and the band stops playing.

Drummer: sorry I'm late... what are we playing? Leader: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Drummer: well, that's an awfully nice thing for you to say to someone who just showed up late to your rehearsal, thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wittybanditti
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
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What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?

The cold shoulder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onemangang15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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What happened when the cannibal showed up late to dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScatteredPayback
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

Cold shoulder.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder

Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SugarDemon2oo7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What did the cannibal get when he showed up late for dinner?

the cold shoulder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MildBanana
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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What happened when the cannibal showed up late to the cannibal dinner party?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinkleburrggg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late for dinner?

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon.....

they gave him the cold shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Do I threw a party for everyone who built my house

The Door guy showed up late. He always likes to make an entrance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CHEEZY_21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Dinner Party

What happened when the cannibal showed up late to a dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirrk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
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