Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time.
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds
Hey when was the last time we had sushi?
I think it was a long tamago.
(from my 10yo twins)
That's the last time I let my pasta chef mate borrow my car
It's come back all denty.
Did you know that when you die, your body parts all die at different times? You know which part dies last?
Your pupils. They dilate.
My son always hides the last piece of a puzzle so he can be the one to put it in. This time, after I put in the second-to-last piece...
I walked away, saying "peace out"
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “When’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro, you were there!
The last time my family went to church
So me, my mom, my dad, and my sister Annie we're in church and they had just put new book covers on all the bibles. Just those like plasticky slick cellophane ones, nothing fancy. But at one point we were standing there singing one of the hymns and the guy behind us just getting into it, he's a great singer and all but he swung his hand and I guess his palms were sweating because one of those thick old books with the lyrics flew out of his hand and railed my sister in the side of the head. And I leaned over and said "are you okay Annie? You've been struck by a smooth hymnal"
I remember the last time I was someone's type.
It was when I was giving blood.
I told my therapist, “Last night I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
She replied, “I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.”
Last time we grilled, lnstead of leaving the meat 2min I left it 2h
What kind of cologne lasts a long time and is electric
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
That's the last time I go on a road trip with Bugs Bunny
It's always "I should've taken the left at Albuquerque" this and that!
This isn't like last time, I swear
Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.
I didn't know that was a requirement.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.
My body was really sore as well!
Last time I was in Paris...
...I went up to a newsstand that wasn't doing much business and asked the proprietor for a copy of Le Monde. I knew it would mean the world to him.
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.
Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time...
That was a pain in the ass.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...
He sleighed Christmas this year.
A painting I did this time last year Instagram @molkyb
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
Last time I went to the bakery, I told a bread joke
The baker gave a rye smile.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
Depressed = not pressed (sorry if that ruined the joke but last time I posted this nobody got it)
Today is the last time I am seeing my 11 year old brother!
Coz he's turning 12 tomorrow!
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when it’s 6:30
But I got that one hands down.
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
Reposting this one in case some people didn't see this one last time
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
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