I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Dentists always ask dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...
He must have been having a bad har day.
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
For the last time, I am not running the water through the Brita again!
I think I've made it perfectly clear.
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
Last time I went to the bakery, I told a bread joke
The baker gave a rye smile.
Depressed = not pressed (sorry if that ruined the joke but last time I posted this nobody got it)
I warned my kid for the last time not to use the whistle when he’s inside the house.
Unfortunately he blew it.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.
The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.
Last time I went to the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage, .
when I asked the keeper about it, he said it was bread in captivity
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...
I said, "whatever boats your float."
The last time I went camping I didn't really do much...
I was loitering with intent.
The last time I saw my ex girlfriend, she was getting on a plane to go to Helsinki.
Then she vanished into Finn Air.
I watched 127 Hours for the first time last night
That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.
Every time I snap I forget the last thing I did (SNAP)
Every time I snap I forget the last thing I did (SNAP)
Last time I was at the ocean
A friend asked me to tell it hello as they missed it.
It didn't say anything back it just waved
I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.
Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.
Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.
I went camping for the first time last night, and finally understand why people love it so much...
Last time I saw my ex-wife, what she said made me so mad I pushed her in the river
Q: What did she say?
A: SPLASH!
Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?
Its the final Final Countdown countdown.
I just made a list of my all time favourite dad jokes. The first 4 are pretty good but the last one's absolute gold.
- pretty good
- pretty good
- pretty good
- pretty good
- absolute gold
This sub has disappointed me for the last time
I guess I’ll get meatballs next time.
Why were the prices of the balloons more expensive than last time?
Princess Leia: For the last time, Han
We are not naming our son Guitar Solo.
This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man.
I've been sick the last few days and my sleep schedule has been pretty erratic. I didn't even the time change.
The missing hour just flu by!
I took my son out for a beer for the first time last night...
I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.
I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.
Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.
I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.
By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...
My dad's reaction to whenever the time is 2:30 or anywhere near 2:30 for the last 24 years I've known him...
"Uhp! Time to go to the dentist."
I can't remember the last time I got blackout drunk
The last time I was someone's type was when
The last time I saw my ex girlfriend, she was boarding a plane for Helsinki.
Then she just vanished into FinnAir.
The last time..
The last time I was anyones type I was donating blood
The Last time I was someone's Type
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