You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
You know what makes me laugh.....
I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
My friend: "do you know him?" Me: "No, but he looks like a Luke"
My friend: " That was close! He is Luke with an F, but how did you know?"
Me: "It was just a Fluke"
You know what really bugs me?
Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Do you know the last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
My friend told me, "Did you know trees drop edible stuff, that aren't fruit?"
"That's nuts." I replied.
My dad asked me, “Do you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”
Me: Fireworks?
Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
Let me tell you what I know about dwarves
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
My dad just asked me, “Do you know why dolphins swim?”
“They swim for a porpoise”
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
You know what really blows me away?
Dad, showing me his pinky : "Did you know that the Chinese don't have that finger ?" Me : "What ? No." Dad : "wanna know why ?" Me: "yeah"
It's because it's MY pinky.
Someone asked me today "you know how much 100 feet is?"
I said "yeah about 50 people"
*sighs* You know what melancholy flowers make me think of?
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
I know you won't believe me, but its two
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really?
Me: Yes.
George Foreman: How so?
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
*Me every time we pass a cow pasture* “Did you know those are award winning cows?”
They’re out standing in their field
Do you know what makes me cross?
When the signal changes to a man walking.
You know what drives me nuts?
Blue diamond delivery trucks.
Doctor: You have a severe iron deficiency. Me: How did you know? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your shirt is all wrinkled.
You know what makes me uncomfortable?
Clothes that are too tight.
Me: Dad, do you know any jokes about sodium?
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line.
My Dad told me this one while at dinner. "You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?"
Thank you for letting me know
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So c’mon and let me know ohhhh..
I told my friend I don’t see color. He was shocked and said,”But you’ve known me for forever and you’re saying you don’t know I’m black?” Then I said,
“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”
A policeman stopped me in my car and said “Excuse me sir. Do you know this is a one way street?”
“Yes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
You know what actually makes me smile?
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
You know what makes me smile?
You know what drives me nuts?
Do you know what makes me smile? Facial muscles
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