Knocking In Puns

"I was thinking about trying out a geography minor."

"Oh really? What makes you want to head in that direction." - Pun one she doesn't acknowledge

"I don't know I just find it interesting. I think I'd like to try human geography."

"Oh really? My cousin told me he took physical geography and said it rocks." - She pauses and stares at me with an unimpressed face, but reluctantly continues

"No I think people geography would be more my style."

"Ya I can see that. You're much more of a people person." - Her eyes flare as it's obvious shes holding back a bellowing guffaw

"We're done here."

Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."

Mee: "You are not coming in."

Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"

He fell in Tacoma.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

...he yells, "the door's open! Cumin in!"

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

When the city comes to, God is standing over it.

"San Francisco, are you OK?", God asks.

San Francisco replies, "I'm fine, just a little foggy."

Let that sink in.

A preemptive strike.

He was a stellar cellar seller

It was a shampoop.

Who's there?

Eichmann in Jerusalem. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Eichmann in Jerusalem. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hannah.

Hannah who?

Hannah Arendt you glad I didn't say Eichmann in Jerusalem?

Son: "woah, what the hell, that's a walking, knocking, talking sink, like what is that, can they even do that?"

Father: "of course they can, son. For centuries. Millennia even. They lay dormant for years at a time and then reanimate every once in a while to go somewhere new. "

Son: " I literally had no idea, that's insane, Dad."

Father: "pretty crazy, right? Now let that sink in."

It’s called Aye Caroomba.

With a left hook.

No Juans home

So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!

What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!

I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.

Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!

What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!

Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.

And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"

Did this one on my friend, and she slapped me in the head.

Me: I got two jokes for you

Her: Okay, try it

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Her: Dunno

Me: To get to the house of the person who finally understood the joke

Her: I don't get it

Me: You don't? Isn't it obvious?

Her: No. I don't get it

Me: Okay okay, let me try the other joke

Her: Go ahead

Me: Knock Knock

Her: Who's there?

Me: The Chicken

Her *slap*

If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens. If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.

But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.

I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.

He yells "Come in" and I groan every time.

Son: Dad, Will you remember me in one second?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one minute?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one hour?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one day?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one week?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one month?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Dad, will you remember me in one year?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Knock Knock!

Dad: Who's there?

Son: DAD! YOU ALREADY FORGOT ME!

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

• French cow: le moo

• Backwards cow: oom

• Upside down cow: woo

• Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

• Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

• Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

• Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

• Cow in disguise: Baa

• Horse in disguise: Moo

• Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

• Inaudible cow:

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Who's There?

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's There? Who's Knocking?

KNOCK KNOCK intensifies....

Why can't I see you? Where are you hiding?

"Dies in an Earthquake"

"Will you remember me in a day?"

"Yes I will"

"Will you remember me in a week?"

"Yes I will"

"Will you remember me in a year?"

"Yes I will"

"Ok let me tell you a joke...knock knock..."

Bro: I know the best knock knock joke! you start it!

me: ...knock knock?

bro: who's there?

me: ......

he just kept staring at me with an excited look, then we both burst out laughing.

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

Knock Knock

Chancellor Palpatine:”who’s there”

Mysterious voice:”Wind”

Chancellor Palpatine:”Wind who?”

Mace Windu :”In the name of the galactic senate you’re under arrest, Chancellor”

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

“Ab rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:

“Pick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."

🐜An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant 🐜and requested the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought a 3rd 🐜ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This went on as the 🐜ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.

One fine day, the ant brought in the 10th ant 🐜and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is:

Why did the owner ask for rent when the 10th ant came in? .

.

.

. 🤔 .

. 🤔 .

🤔 . .

..

.

. .

🤔 .

. . 🤔 . . .

. . .🤔

Because they were now tenants! 🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜

People keep knocking on my door asking if I've found cheeses.

I just slam the door in their faces. I guess I'm a little lactose intolerant.

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”