Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Did you hear that they just broke the Guinness Record for largest pickle?
Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said “you can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:
“I didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
My waitress just asked “ Do you wanna box for your food?”
I told her “No I would rather wrestle for it”.
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.
I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
If you were The Weeknd’s driver you could get a lot of *milage* out of the joke, I’m just working for The Weeknd
Listen, I know you think you're just so great for doing show jumping on a drugged up stallion but... I
I think you should get off your high horse.
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
My dad just handed me a pig in a blanket Dad: Would you care for one of these
Me: Only if it needed me..
If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.
Because 2022 is 2020, too.
The waiter said to me, “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
A pin for those days when you just... nope.
Are you eggcited for the yolking around, but because it's my first post here, I'm walking on eggshells about posting this, I just hope it says up because the title is eggstremely long.
How can you get four suits for just one dollar?
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaaaad!! Can't you just be serious for once?! Why does everything have to be a game with you!?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!”
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
Him: I'm taking the canine for an evening stroll around the neighborhood. Her: Why don't you just say you're taking the dog for a walk?
Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *
There are just some signs in life you should take for Granite
IRS Auditor: For your tax return, you just wrote down “Money for Nothing, Checks for Free??”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.
If you ever get cold just stand in the corner for a bit
They are usually around 90 degrees
Did you hear about the U2 fanclub that's just for attorneys?
I saw an ad that said "By investing just $15, you can sit and eat for your lifetime!" Naturally, I was interested and went there.
They were selling chairs.
I just read a patent application for a device that advances through a book while you read it.
It was a real page-turner.
Came out backwords / at a loss for words / just one big bowl of soup / proper punctuation: the colon / man,ure on a roll / just stirring the pot / poo-lease stop / can't. IOU potty humor / Y you say that? / It's fun, butt OK - mind my P's and Q's - I'll put lid on it
Just want you to know... I can see that you've been under a lot of pressure for a while now. But you are a rock, and I don't take you for granite.
Just watched Moana for the first time. I'd recommend it if you've been waiting for a movie where people pee in the ocean.
I just wanted to post this pun for you guys!
So let me tell you a little about my situation. It's currently about -12°F outside and my HVAC just broke. So, I decided to build a fire, but it turns out I can't use my fireplace because it needs a new flue, and I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this
but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now.
[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....
And I know most of you here can do better than my,
While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."
Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?
Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.
Don't you just hate those annoying pop-up ads when you're shopping online for BBQ's?
"Hot meat grills in your area"
I handed my daughter money for her allowance as she was sitting on the couch. I said, "Do you know what just happened?" ...
"I just cashed you inside, how bow dah?"
<She was not impressed with my meme knowledge.>
My fiancee just said to me "You should check Reddit for a pun sub"
"Because I'm sure there R ones"
If someone gets mad at you for making Indian puns, just tell them it's not Bhavik deal
My Buddy: "Yeah I don't really like the iPhone but I might go back to the Apple overlords for my next phone. You just can't beat their customer service."
Me: "Sure you can, they just start screaming and going on about assault and litigation."
I just found out people will pay you to poop for science
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