Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamizander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilessthanthreenyc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MollyWanders
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Did you hear that they just broke the Guinness Record for largest pickle?

It was a real big dill!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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My waitress just asked β€œ Do you wanna box for your food?”

I told her β€œNo I would rather wrestle for it”.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiggyLT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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My wife just told me, β€œI can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”

Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 870
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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If you were The Weeknd’s driver you could get a lot of *milage* out of the joke, I’m just working for The Weeknd
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnieDog23456
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BF1gamerz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Listen, I know you think you're just so great for doing show jumping on a drugged up stallion but... I

I think you should get off your high horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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A pin for those days when you just... nope.
πŸ‘︎ 587
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πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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My dad just handed me a pig in a blanket Dad: Would you care for one of these

Me: Only if it needed me..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilDobby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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The waiter said to me, β€œI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I exclaimed, β€œGood! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.

Because 2022 is 2020, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobrasada1009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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How can you get four suits for just one dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Are you eggcited for the yolking around, but because it's my first post here, I'm walking on eggshells about posting this, I just hope it says up because the title is eggstremely long.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manulad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My daughter screeched, β€œDaaaaaaaad!! Can't you just be serious for once?! Why does everything have to be a game with you!?”

I replied, β€œAn excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilbrent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Him: I'm taking the canine for an evening stroll around the neighborhood. Her: Why don't you just say you're taking the dog for a walk?

Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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There are just some signs in life you should take for Granite
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanGyroscope
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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IRS Auditor: For your tax return, you just wrote down β€œMoney for Nothing, Checks for Free??”

Me: Am I in trouble?

Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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If you ever get cold just stand in the corner for a bit

They are usually around 90 degrees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThankGodForKeanu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Did you hear about the U2 fanclub that's just for attorneys?

It's called Pro Bono.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeadows00
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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Came out backwords / at a loss for words / just one big bowl of soup / proper punctuation: the colon / man,ure on a roll / just stirring the pot / poo-lease stop / can't. IOU potty humor / Y you say that? / It's fun, butt OK - mind my P's and Q's - I'll put lid on it
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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I saw an ad that said "By investing just $15, you can sit and eat for your lifetime!" Naturally, I was interested and went there.

They were selling chairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niranjan23d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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I just read a patent application for a device that advances through a book while you read it.

It was a real page-turner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mhwal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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Just want you to know... I can see that you've been under a lot of pressure for a while now. But you are a rock, and I don't take you for granite.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandJA1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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So let me tell you a little about my situation. It's currently about -12Β°F outside and my HVAC just broke. So, I decided to build a fire, but it turns out I can't use my fireplace because it needs a new flue, and I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this

but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuddyEndsleigh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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Just watched Moana for the first time. I'd recommend it if you've been waiting for a movie where people pee in the ocean.

Urine luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moorsonthecoast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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I just wanted to post this pun for you guys!

THIS PUN!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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I handed my daughter money for her allowance as she was sitting on the couch. I said, "Do you know what just happened?" ...

"I just cashed you inside, how bow dah?"

<She was not impressed with my meme knowledge.>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalprof
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
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Don't you just hate those annoying pop-up ads when you're shopping online for BBQ's?

"Hot meat grills in your area"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mka_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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My fiancee just said to me "You should check Reddit for a pun sub"

"Because I'm sure there R ones"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canbutshouldnot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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If someone gets mad at you for making Indian puns, just tell them it's not Bhavik deal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elaus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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Taco Bell is very Punny Repost but I just saw for first time so I think some of you will too. imgur.com/gallery/iTb4zf1
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonickid101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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My Buddy: "Yeah I don't really like the iPhone but I might go back to the Apple overlords for my next phone. You just can't beat their customer service."

Me: "Sure you can, they just start screaming and going on about assault and litigation."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
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I just found out people will pay you to poop for science

Sounds like a crappy job

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZhiQiangGreen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
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