May be a repost. Idk. Just be gentle.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I thought this book I've just bought about farming would be a nice simple read..
But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.
Johnson&Johnson just announced that M&M will be the spokesman for their new Covid vaccine commercial...
Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Just read that FED X are merging with UPS and now will be known as....
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
Just cost me a $1 to put air in my tyre, when before it used to be free.
I guess, that's inflation.
I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
Me: Just crossed into Oklahoma. Be there soon.
My Dad: I would say OK! but...
(An actual text from my Dad bless him)
If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.
You would be too if you lived under a Rock.
Studying Chemistry at the moment, I just learned that Sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker..
..It's an oxidant waiting to happen.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I’ve finally found a place to work where I can just be average...
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
But then bees will just be BS
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here.
reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
Can this be centaured here? I dunno, i'm just gonna gogh
I just wanted to be her knight in shining armor
There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.
I thought it was a safe bet.
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound
If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..
They'll add consult to injury
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...
My son hates my dadjokes. This just happened: we were watching Marvel Avengers and I said, "why is he called Thor ? He shouldn't be". My son asked why not.
"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.
If you move to a Polynesian country and wonder if the natives will accept you, just know there will be
Damn we just missed the green light, this is gonna be heavy!
Because it will be a Full Wait
The town I’m from just completed dredging a new river that’s going to make travel a lot easier. They’re having a feast to celebrate! It’s going to be called...
From r/memes. Don't be mean to me about reposting I'm just trying to show puns to people
I need a liver transplant, luckily you can just get them from Amazon these days. It should be arriving today...
The tracker says it's 'out for delivery'
I just told my suitcase that there will be no vacation this year, it sucks!
Emotional baggage is the worst!
Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.. just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf.
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
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