May be a repost. Idk. Just be gentle.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King-of-Landistan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I thought this book I've just bought about farming would be a nice simple read..

But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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Johnson&Johnson just announced that M&M will be the spokesman for their new Covid vaccine commercial...

Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, β€œA can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!

A pic for anyone who wants to see it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kileni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Just read that FED X are merging with UPS and now will be known as....

FED UP.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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A friend of mine just said to me β€œI’m training to be garbage man”

I said β€œYou don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed

To be honest this is pretty demolarizing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyHandsAreOrange
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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My dad just told be a cool joke about drums

I thought I’d snare it with you guys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keeeeeeeeeev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squarepeg101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Just cost me a $1 to put air in my tyre, when before it used to be free.

I guess, that's inflation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.

He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Me: Just crossed into Oklahoma. Be there soon.

My Dad: I would say OK! but...

(An actual text from my Dad bless him)

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.

You would be too if you lived under a Rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Studying Chemistry at the moment, I just learned that Sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker..

..It's an oxidant waiting to happen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!

For now, they're just cell mates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_Pillars
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I’ve finally found a place to work where I can just be average...

It’s a satis-factory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutlawRugby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b6a6a6l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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But then bees will just be BS
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here. reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KORZILLA-is-me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.

It’s a play on words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Can this be centaured here? I dunno, i'm just gonna gogh
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I just wanted to be her knight in shining armor
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWACS-Thunderhead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound

God Damnit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..

They'll add consult to injury

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My son hates my dadjokes. This just happened: we were watching Marvel Avengers and I said, "why is he called Thor ? He shouldn't be". My son asked why not.

"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagnetCarter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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If you move to a Polynesian country and wonder if the natives will accept you, just know there will be

Samoans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Damn we just missed the green light, this is gonna be heavy!

Because it will be a Full Wait

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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The town I’m from just completed dredging a new river that’s going to make travel a lot easier. They’re having a feast to celebrate! It’s going to be called...

The New River Gorge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
From r/memes. Don't be mean to me about reposting I'm just trying to show puns to people
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoJoMcFearson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a liver transplant, luckily you can just get them from Amazon these days. It should be arriving today...

The tracker says it's 'out for delivery'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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I just told my suitcase that there will be no vacation this year, it sucks!

Emotional baggage is the worst!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.. just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manda00710
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.

Everything was comedy gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrammerTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.

He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad

He wanted to be a millionaire too

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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